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April 5, 2004 | by  | in News | [ssba]

Crackers: An Introduction to Core Concepts in Fashion Commentary

We shall begin with a look at crackers. More particularly, the cracker rating, from the popular English phrase, “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers.” Naturally, one rates one’s potential partners by what one would let them get away with crumbling in one’s sheets. For instance, shortbread, at the low end of the cracker scale, is soft, and not much of an inconvenience. Toni Marsh receives ‘shortbread’ on the cracker rating: a plate of Arnotts Fingers is fine, but catch her with a packet of Gingernuts and she’s never going to see your Shrewsburys again.

The man who can enter your boudoir with dry weetbix and no plate, on the other hand, is someone special. Not only is it really crumbly, but its crumbs are sharp and pointy and really hard to get out of the sheets. But that’s the least of his worries. George Clooney is weetbix. He could crumble weetbix over this writer’s bed and still play with her Mallowpuffs all he liked. Aragorn is also weetbix but, strangely, Viggo is only a Salada. Man-sized, but a Salada nonetheless.

The chick from Evanescence is a rice cracker (potentially messy, but you can get the whole thing in your mouth to avoid that). Christina Aguilera is wholegrain Ryvita. That’s ironic. But clearly very important to fashion commentary.

As is Six Degrees of Shirt Striation. What’s striation? Philistine law student! But one should go easy on the vocational degrees… you and your Commerce brethren are just practicing for the pinstripe of your future uniform when you head from Kelburn to Pipitea in all your crenellated glory. A BA student’s stripes may be less regimented now, but they only have three (or several more) years of free sartorial expression before being trapped in the polyester confines of a McDonald’s uniform. Computer Science. Stripes and plaids. Honestly. B.Teach students no doubt wear stripes of some description that identify them in some hilarious pejorative manner, but this joke is getting old. Something funny about Architecture, and let’s move on.

The 80s revival is in full swing. We’re bitter because we remember it the first time round, though this gives us unique insight, and yet another scale on which to judge people. The legwarmers and jumpsuits from the Boomkat video are totally Bros. (that’s a bad thing. It’s going to take more than Blade 2 to make us forget ‘Drop the Boy’, Luke.), while coloured stilettos are totally Michael J. FOXY. Glomesh? Mel n’ Kim. It ain’t never gonna be respectable – but you kinda like it anyway.

So let’s recap: You see a moderately attractive type in a linearly defined doublet tripping down the Terrace with a trucker cap. Do you, a) fall about laughing, and, b) say, “Oh my God, that law student over there is totally ‘Karma Chameleon’ but still… Huntley & Palmers…”? If so, you’re ready for a year of Salient fashion criticism – with a quick recap of 2003.

Bitch eyebrows: As explained last year, eyebrows plucked too thin and shapeless are “97% effective at signposting a bitch.” Anyone with bitch eyebrows should be keeping baked goods (and everything else) well away from your bedroom. As a concept, however, bitch eyebrows are completely Breakfast Club.

Sex hair: Fairly self-explanatory, sex hair is a do that’s still perfectly coiffed in front, but a complete disaster at the back. What you get when you match your cracker with your rating. If you’re a TimTam and you try to bring Cruskits to bed, no sex hair for you. Stick to like-textured types – Chitchats and Toffee Pops – and you’re in for a Breakfast Club, or, another year of in-jokes and neologisms.


About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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