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October 2, 2006 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

My Eyes Are Bleeding

Clinton makes Fox News his bitch.

Did anyone else enjoy watching Clinton make that rat-cunt from Fox his bitch during the now infamous interview? Matt Wallace tried to take Clinton to task about mishandling the whole Osama bin Laden issue while he was President (read: not blowing his brains out. God bless political ‘speak’). Clinton, angry as he had been invited on to talk about his Global Initiative Project hit back, saying that he had in fact at least tried to kill Bin Laden before 9/11, when Bush had not. It was great TV, and almost as entertaining as watching bum fights. Fox was backed into the position of having to use lawyers to remove it from the internet to avoid repeated embarrassment. Rumours are already aplenty that Wallace will lose his job over the insipid handling of the affair. Kick-ass.

My only qualm with this is that it wasn’t Bill O’Reilly being shown up for the mangy, perverted, sadistic fiend he is. There would be nothing better than seeing Clinton work magic with a cigar on O’Reilly’s crying, naked and bound up corpse. I don’t care if that’s sick, I just think that Clinton could probably bury a few burning cigars in O’Reilly. And maybe kick him in the teeth a few times Celebrity Death Match-style.


First off, who lent Blanket-man a goddamn car? I wouldn’t trust a man who masturbates in public with my automobile (let alone someone who hangs out all day practically naked outside a Burger King, spending half his time passed out, and the other half higher than Darren McDonald), but then again my license was suspended for reversing down a motorway trying to run Mikey Havoc over.

And the whole ‘waka’ defence? Get out of the papers and back to your street corner Blanket-bitch, open and shut drink-driving cases are hard to defend, and we know that you can’t afford a decent lawyer.


‘Breaking’ news: A once top-secret, now declassified report shows that the Iraq war is increasing the terrorist threat against America. Which is not really news at all, rather the same thing that “nut-job” academics and policy advisors were saying at the time of the last American Presidential election in 2004. Reaction from the White House was definitely muted, with confused tacit admissions and belligerent denials bumping shoulders.

Newton once told us that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, which pretty much explains that if you invade a country, kill civilians and then can’t keep it under wraps that you lied about why you invaded them, the people of the country put through the war and hardship may get a little pissed off. But the White House isn’t a very intelligent place. It’s pretty much just Bush and Cheney filling in their Barney colouring-in books and comparing bold colour schemes, comforting each other when they go outside of the lines.


We breed some particularly good business loving folk eh? We love talking about how independent and resourceful we are. New Zealand as a country will always rise above and kick out and get to the top. Because we’re little battlers who will never let location reduce us to a footnote on a global scale. We’re no Finland people, c’mon! I mean what has Finland done for the world? Aside from giving us the Bomfunk MCs and constant darkness? Nothing!

Wellington is especially great. Trade-Me, wicked! Hell pizza, oooh, tasty! 42 Below, let’s get drunk and beat up minorities! Independent Wellington business is defintely taking a leaf out of Scribe’s book and standing the fuck up.

We almost enjoy our independent creativity as much as we enjoy selling our fruits to large multinationals. Fairfax? Burger King? Bacardi? Can you smell that? It’s capitalism.


You bastards deserve to be taken to pieces by TV3, you fooled no one by taking The Sopranos (read: the best show on television) off four episodes early. And I’m glad that the newspapers picked up on it, as petty as it may seem, because The Sopranos is one of the few remaining simple pleasures in this lifetime. There is nothing better than sitting down and watching a show with nudity and cuss words about conservative Italians hating on gays and killing anyone who tries to stop them from playing poker all day and eating sandwiches.


Ken, 69, muscles in on the Bodybuilders

You know that icky feeling you get when you see a photo of hardcore body-builders? It’s kind of like looking at a normal person crossed with an erect penis. Unattractive, veiny, greasier than a car salesman and vaguely sinister, as they all are flexing so hard they appear as if they are going to poop a bit.

The Dominion Post ran a front-page link to a front section story on a 69-year old man who is still bodybuilding. Creepy. Gross. And in totally contradiction of the long accepted law that all human-interest stories have to involve some form of puppy or six-year old girl who released a rap album.


About the Author ()

ABANDONED AT birth, Casablo was raised on the street, honing a never say die attitude and a taste for the blood of babies and puppies. One day Casablo looked up at the newspaper that had so loyally kept him warm at night and was horrified at what stared back at him, making it his life goal to fight the system in the most horribly ineffectual of ways. When not writing – or pretending to be inebriated – Casablo runs a horribly unsuccessful private detective agency with his crime-fighting partner, Fifi Mimosa.

Comments (1)

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  1. Blanket man says:

    Hey have moved to auckland recently so havent heard alot on whats been going on in wellington, but blanket man always gave me a laugh, i had the old drunk chat with him, funny guy, cracks me up to think of him driving around in a car tho, read last article on blanket man and hearing bout the burger king thing just reminded me of home so thanks…

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