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April 2, 2007 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Ways to fuck with a boy’s head – emotionally:

  1. Flirt outrageously all summer long, before informing him of your chastity vow. Abstinence is so hot right now.
  2. Say “OMFG, I love Iron Maiden too!” – then spend the bulk of your relationship converting him into a nice indie boy
  3. Bitter bitch about his lack of spontaneous romanticism, and consider every act of generosity as a bribe.
  4. Every two months, tell him you’re pregnant. Even if you are a gay couple.
  5. Complain that his masturbation makes you feel alienated.

Ways to fuck with a boy’s head – literally:

  1. Put your cock in his ear
  2. Use his nose as a dildo
  3. Use sci-fi technology to shrink you and a girlfriend down to the size offl eas, then make hot lesbian sex on his tongue. No, wait – that’s a way to fuck inside a boy’s head.
  4. Criticise everything he does. Just so that he has to go down on you to feel like a worthwhile human being.
  5. And after he goes down on you, say “oh, excuse me, I must go to the bathroom to remove my tampon.”

Wrong Ways to Celebrate Easter:

  1. Nail up Santa
  2. Put LSD in the Easter bun stripes
  3. Use fertilized Easter eggs
  4. Rabbit hunting (obviously)
  5. Stick a Crème egg up your arse

Worst Autobiography Titles:

  1. How I Never Did Anything or Went Anywhere
  2. A Life of Eating Poo
  3. Me and My Tiny Penis
  4. My Credit Card Number is 3853866730
  5. First-Name Terms at the STD Clinic

Infamous Last Words:

  1. “Of course it’s not loaded!”
  2. “Come on men, they couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist-“
  3. “Why don’t we taste it and find out?”
  4. “I think it’s asleep”
  5. “I’m driving… but that hand job sure feels good…”

Achievements of Justin Timberlake:

  1. Brought back sexy
  2. Alyssa Milano
  3. Superbowl XXXVIII
  4. Dick in a Box
  5. Dick in Britney

Contraceptive Techniques:

  1. Up the bum no babies
  2. Pull out and pray
  3. Flying solo
  4. Necrophilia
  5. Doing a commerce degree

Reasons to Leave Emos Alone:

  1. They’ll put you on their “list”
  2. They’ll write a poem about you
  3. They want the attention
  4. Evil voodoo emo magic
  5. My Chemical Romance

Manga Sound Effects:

  1. BLOK! – head hitting pavement
  2. TWOON! – firing lasers
  3. WIIZ! – adjusting binoculars
  5. FDD… – the sound of thinking

Celebrity Disguises:

  1. Tape two beach balls to your chest to pass as Rebecca Loos
  2. Put a paper bag over your head to pass as any of National’s backbench
  3. Grow a little beard and glue a shoe polishing brush to your head to pass as Geoff Hayward
  4. Hit yourself on the back of the head with a shovel to pass as George W. Bush
  5. Eat a tube of curry paste and throw up over yourself to pass as Mt Ruapehu


  1. Babanod cloronen blodyn (baby potato flower)
  2. Who’s coat’s this jacket?
  3. You knows I loves you ‘cos I fucks you and buys you chips!
  4. Who’s coffee’s this tea?
  5. Cadwch Cymru yn lan. Danfonwch y sbwriel i Loegr! (Keep Wales tidy. Leave your rubbish in England!)

About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

Comments (2)

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  1. Jonno says:

    This shit is lame. Infact, Salient as a magazine completely sucks the monkeys nut. Even worse than Critic – and that’s bad. I know, I know, if it’s so bad, then why am I here??? Because I wanted to give it a chance. Now I’m getting the fuck out of here.

  2. steve emmerson says:

    Im not sure if the post titled >HOW TO FUK WITH>………………..
    , woujld be recieved the same if it were direted at females/
    Fairly sad ……………………………….

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