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April 23, 2007 | by  | in Uncategorised | [ssba]

The Respondinator

Welcome to the dark, dark world of the Respondinator, where the worst letters of the week are crushed to death in his effort to stamp out stupidity. Salient accepts no responsibility for the twisted, uber-cynical responses.

The Respondinator: Because nothing says “target” quite like a university student who thinks their opinion deserves to be published in anything.

To the person who wrote about the Blond chik._ Wot’s up ur ass man. Where’s your balls? If you had a problem with_her talking, why didn’t you just tell her 2 shut up, instead of_writing all that shit so she would never know who you are. Now she’ll_have people staring at her wherever she goes._ Yes I agree you shouldn’t come to class unless you wanna learn, but _hey most of us have to put up with people gossiping, and we can_handle it._By the sounds of it you’re just jelous because she’s hot and you’re_not._Wot a sad guy man. Next time grow some fuckin balls and tell them to _their face, not behind their backs – that’s fuckin primary skool 2._Sticking up for Blondie

You win! Definitely the most stupid letter this week. I can’t even figure out what the fuck you are trying to say! All one can say for certain is that there are some conjunctions in there, waving frantically and trying to get ones attention through all the idiotic scratchings.

For every misplaced apostrophe and incorrectly spelled word you will get a cancerous growth. One of them will become malignant and spread to your bowels. You will end up with a growth in your gut the size of a basket ball and you will die. Given the use of “Wot’s” and “jelous,” you are an economics student, so it’s likely that you are only up to your ankles when splish-splashing around in the shallowest end of the gene pool. You therefore will not be missed.

Dear Police Bashers,_I am constantly awear of the fact that if I say what my future employment is its likely to be the end of the conversation, or worse being called something like a rapist, being a guy and everything. I saw a poster saying ‘fuck the police’, that’s alrite, just don’t call the police when you need them, or when you do how do think they should act? _I must say I have been in trouble before, im not some bitch who does believe in having some fun.

When I got a warning for going 60 over the speed limit (my Speedo might be out) on a motorbike with a learners, all I can say thank god I was in Kawerau/K-town where you actually respect the police and do what they say (well for some people there). _Maybe you should ask yourselves why you hate the police so much, have you ever been sober and asked a cop why he was doing something to you? Maybe you should, you might be lucky and just get a warning the next time and stop doing some really dumb shit when your told nicely. Or dear I say it, you might understand. _P.C. Plod_PS: I would be really interested in peoples views on the situation, with all the media image and stereo-types.

Dear Plod, I am “awear” that you are a dolt and that your grammar is going to be the end of any conversation rather than your future employment. If this is the calibre of written language that the police accept it is no wonder why they are perceived poorly by the general public.

I think you would make an excellent police officer though. You have such poor language skills that you would get violently frustrated with anyone asking difficult questions such as: “what is your badge number?” and “why are you hurting me?” and fit right in with the rest of the club wielding thugs. Most of us get tongue-tied at some stage in our lives and of course must resort to violence. It is an accepted part of social intercourse. I’m sure your first wife will understand why she will get two black eyes and a broken arm for commenting on what a small penis you have.

In last weeks issue on the V pageTobydan & Rachael told us that their favourite children’s book was the hungry hungry caterpillar..the book is actually called THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR you effing posers! And while i’m on the subject i may aswell add that skanks wearing lace stockings ankle boots and short shorts should stop posing as prostitutes and put some fucking clothes on, mature students & weir house residents should stop posing to be actually smarter than they are & the row of idiots in english111 lecture should stop posing to actually care and shut the fuck up or drop the fuck out already! _Yours regretably,_Catepillar-fan

If a function has a domain which is not an interval, the notion of a continuous function as one whose graph you can draw without taking your pencil off the paper is not quite correct. Consider the functions f(x) = 1/x and g(x) = (sin x)/x. Neither function is defined at x = 0, so each has domain R\{0} of real numbers except 0, and each function is continuous.

The question of continuity at x = 0 does not arise, since it is not in the domain. The function f cannot be extended to a continuous function whose domain is R, since no matter what value is assigned at 0, the resulting function will not be… Oh, I’m so sorry. This letter was so pointless I started thinking about something else.

Message: For those of you who insist on socialising with your “high pitched, OMG, nothing in particular to yarn about voices” in the bottom floor of the library around the computers… please don’t. _There have been bitches yarning down here all day and i’m stressing out and over it._Go to the quad now so i can write my report

You know, I’d hate to point out the obvious here, but wouldn’t it be more efficient if you smashed yourself in the face with a brick rather than write a letter that is simply begging me to do it for you?

I think that your real problem is not that the noise these people are making is distracting you from your masturbatory escapades in the library. Your problem is that they were having a good time without you.

It’s okay. We understand. A wretched feeling it is to be gently fondling yourself under the table wishing that you had someone to join you, and it’s made all the worse by hearing young, attractive people mere meters away giggling in unison about some small triviality. You wish you could join in the fun and be whisked away on a spree of shoe shopping, bikini waxing or whatever it is that you young, vibrant girls do in these modern times.

Sadly, this is not an option available to you since you are obviously not smart enough to realize that writing a letter to this publication is not going to achieve anything for you and is going to waste 4.8 minutes of my time.

I’ve been reading Salient letters for the last eight years and I’d have to say that these are the most comprehensible letters we’ve received thus far.

In these few words we have run the full gamut of emotion. We’ve felt pain, despair, disgust, distaste and a great, bitter sadness. It makes me wish that I’d passed school certificate. Then I too could go to a place of higher learning and burn it down to prevent the stupidity from spreading to successive generations.



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