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May 21, 2007 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Things for Paris Hilton to Do During Her 45 Days in Prison:

1. Stop shaving
2. Stop leading Britney astray
3. Think for herself… her life will depend on it
4. Mourn the loss of that stupid dog that lives in her purse
5. Get introduced to the wonders of lesbian sex while in the communal showers, by other inmates… whether she likes it or not

Animals that Need Horns:

1. Cats
2. Dogs
3. Mice
4. Munchkins. They’re an animal…right?
5. Sheep…wait, would that make them goats?

Mythic Animals We So Wish Were Real:

1. Cysquach. It’s a Sasquach with one eye that’s also half cyborg
2. The Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus. Its natural enemy is the Sasquach
3. The Flying Spaghetti Monster
4. Jackalope. A rabbit with horns, wings and fangs. Every kids’ dream
5. Dignity

Best Cold War Propaganda Lines:

1. “Our nukes go up to 11”
2. “Better dead than Red”
3. “Home taping is killing music”
4. “Kill them all and let God sort them out!”
5. “The Glorious Forces of Communism Will Inevitably Defeat the Decadent Sheep Pimp Lackeys of Imperialist Capitalism”

Strange Things to Come Home to:

1. Two beautiful strangers asleep in your bed
2. Two beautiful strangers asleep in your bed asking you to join them
3. You joining them
4. You then getting asked by your really hot dealer to have a session while rubbing baby oil into their back
5. Your actual flat, which has a burned out Holden Kingswood outside, and a shit load of bogans drinking and shit… wait, maybe that’s not so strange

Things to Say at a Party to Scare Ugly Drunk People:

1. “Nothing tastes real man!”
2. “I can like, see your skull, and it makes me horny”
3. Nothing, just sit and rock
4. “I like to masturbate to rape victims”
5. “Wow…you look so much more real in person, it’s like I wasn’t even dead”

Awkward Situations to Air Guitar in:

1. At the gym on a treadmill
2. On the piano at a funeral… Only Slash can get away with that one
3. Leaping up on a desk in the middle of a lecture, while crooning ‘Beth’
4. When you’re actually supposed to be playing a real guitar
5. At the Kumara during the annual Air Guitar Comps

Movies Not to See While Stoned:

1. Shrek. Seriously, you’ll never ever able to listen to ‘Immigrant Song’ ever again
2. The Creature from the Black Lagoon
3. House of 1000 Corpses
4. 28 Days Later. The needless violence is a bit hard to take
5. Plan 9 From Outer Space

Uses for Your Old Salient:

1. Door stop
2. Table leveller
3. Tube for snorting cocaine
4. Incendiary for arson attempts
5. Place to conceal spring loaded blades for killing adversaries in prison, like in that Willem Dafoe movie Animal Farm.

Fun Childhood Games We Miss:

1. Run away from the girls
2. Run away from the boys
3. Catch and kiss. Eww…gross
4. Bullrush ‘til wounding occurs
5. Playing ‘chicken’ with the local paedophile


About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

Comments (1)

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  1. sam says:

    What person who happens to have old Salient around can afford cocaine?

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