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May 28, 2007 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Things not to do while hung over:

1 Charter a boat to Alaska.
2 Eat that half eaten Burger King from last night. You will regret it.
3 Figure out why you woke up half naked at a bus stop. Some things are better left unknown.
4 Turn your music up really loud and mosh.
5 Try and give yourself fellatio like you always thought you couldn’t.

Best ways to self destruct:

1 Make a whole lot of money, then blow it all on a big boat that you can’t afford.
2 Become a suicide bomber.
3 Start working for SCS.
4 Spend all of your money on legal battles and a theme park, like Michel Jackson.
5 Become a Hare Krishna.

People we really want to just shut up:

1 Those stupid Krishnas on Cuba St. I don’t want enlightenment, so fuck off.
2 Mark Sainsbury.
3 Bono.
4 John Key.
5 Paris Hilton. For fuck’s sake just go to prison already.

Pointers for when you’re losing your edge as a rock star.

1 Coconut trees pose more of a threat than you thought they did.
2 Scientology is starting to sound pretty good.
3 You have to leave the band you’re in because they are fucked off with how many drugs you do.
4 You replace your lead singer with a person from Iced Earth.
5 Even your groupies are looking tired.

Ways to avoid colds this winter:

1 Do what the Hindus do and herd cows. I hear it gets you a god or something.
2 Don’t kiss anybody if you don’t know where they have been.
3 Don’t go to lectures. They always have sick people in them.
4 Avoid Grandma’s baking that looks older than she is.
5 Get the flu vaccine… Though that would just be easy.

Ways to avoid going to prison like Paris is:

1 Piss and moan at every opportunity to celebrity rags.
2 Pay off the judge. Though for that you would need money.
3 Play the overly effeminate pussy card about being helpless.
4 Er… Be famous.
5 Sleep with the judge then blackmail them with the tape… You know she would, so why wouldn’t you?

Most Awkward sex Positions:

1 Doggy style… With an actual dog.
2 Self Analfi sting. If you can do this you kick so much ass… Or punch as the case may be
3 That one in the Kama Sutra with the girl all like hanging off you an’ shit.
4 The Air Tight (If you don’t know what this is then you probably shouldn’t ask.)
5. DVDA. Nuff said.

Things letter writers to Salient should stop being so precious about:

1 Feminism.
2 Gay people.
3 Diets.
4 Crap about fees rises at Uni, go do something about it.
5 Their shit taste in music.


1 Tom Selleck
2 That guy from American Chopper.
3 Hulk Hogan.
4 Hitler.
5 Jessie ‘The Devil’ Hughes, from The Eagles of Death Metal.

Things you shouldn’t be able to do after you die:

1 Write books…J.R.R, I’m looking at you mate.
2 Release music. Marley, Tupac, you’re both guilty of this one.
3 Get things credited to you.
4 Be indicted for another crime. Seriously I don’t know how many times this has happened in states with the death penalty.
5 Get more famous.


About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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