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May 21, 2007 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Tony Blair to start another war in last months of office:

My sources in Downing Street have passed on several crucial documents and a great number of meeting transcriptions to the team here at G.N.M, information that has alarming ramifications about the future of Britain foreign policy. It has been rumoured that Tony Blair intends to leave office with a bang, and it would appear that our sources have confirmed that Blair is hoping to win back public opinion on the eve of the election by winning a war that he wishes to start. Apparently, it is hoped that this war will divert public attention to the more positive aspects of Blair’s political career.

Yes, it’s true people, Tony Blair is preparing to declare war on Lego Land.

We here at G.N.M hope to bring you week-by-week updates about the current war plans, but as they stand at the moment, they run as follows:

Britain is to annex Lego Land Windsor, and set up a puppet government with which it will the rally the Lego Land troops. Lego Land Windsor is located in the picturesque area of Berkshire that bears the same name, and its main attraction is its replica of St Peter’s Basilica. From there it will then stage phase two:

Phase Two:

First on the hit list is Germany. Its primary export is that of the eight-pegged blocks that Lego has become so synonymous with. It is the main powerhouse of the staple Lego brick. Without this. Lego Land as a nation cannot hope to fortify its territories against the onslaught of British troops.

Second on the hit list is Lego Land Billund, located in sunny Denmark. It is the manufacturer of the tiny nation’s more complex bricks and ordinance. It is rumoured that this is where Lego Land’s mighty source of knights and medieval weaponry comes from. Though all of the territories of Lego Land have a knight’s castle and other assorted features of this type, it is here that they are built before being sent out to garrison.

The frightening truth is that if Blair succeeds he has to efficiently take out both Lego Land’s main brick manufacturers and the main supplier of troops. With both of those being so conveniently located in Europe, it is predicted that it will be a ‘cake walk’. Finally then, the act of invading Lego Land in California will be more a war of attrition than the mighty battle that will surely rage on the humble continent of Europe.

Not since the great war of the ‘40s, has Europe seen such an act of domineering supremacy as this, the war on Lego Land. When asked to comment on these allegations, Mr Blair declined to comment, but his press secretary did release this statement to G.N.M:

Mr Blair does not wish to comment in person to these startling allegations about invading Lego Land. He does however, wish to impress upon people that what he does decide to do, he does with the interests of the British people at heart, and with great diligence does he approach the matters of national security that this matter poses.

This is a great contrast to the short interview that G.N.M attained with a member of Lego Land Europe delegation to the World Court in The Hague.

Lord George was more than willing to discuss these matters of great importance to the world.

G.N.M: So in this rather unprecedented act, is Lego Land surprised at all that Blair hopes to invade your fair territories?

L.G: Well I wish I could say this is unexpected, but it is not. Antagonism between our two nations has raged on for many a long year, since 1996 when the Queen granted us a partial annex in Britain and a 99 year lease.

G.N.M: What is Lego Land going to do to address the threats that Blair has been making to your nation?

L.G: Well we are here in The Hague to address this matter at the World Court; this of course is the diplomatic angle that any good nation must cover. As far as defences go, I am ill disposed to discuss these matters with an unsecured press source, you understand.

G.N.M: Of course.

L.G: All I am willing to comment on, is that if those bastard poms think it’s going to be easy, then they have another thing coming!

From this brief but informative interview, it seems that only time will tell if Blair will make good on the plans mentioned in these leaked documents.

My money’s on a total war, that is going to be long, brutal and gruelling, and will take more lives than the Gulf War and the Suez Canal crisis put together.

That said, this Mole is betting it will be the kind of deal that will get Blair another term, if only to see his plans come to fruition. Truly this will be the most epic struggle in modern times. With that, I leave you with the words of one British soldier on the prospect of fighting Lego Land: “It will be bloody good… I always wanted to stomp on a city like Godzilla did in that film…uh…the one about Godzilla.”


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