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February 18, 2008 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Top 5 things first years will say after O-week

1. “Man my groin is itchy”
2. “Shooters is the best bar ever”
3. “Fuck this hill, I’m not going to class today”
4. “Ta da: You’re a grandfather/mother”
5. “Police parephenalia is the best way to scare away the communists, who smell funny”

Top 5 things first years need to know

1. How to discuss Chaucer whilst throwing up Kristov
2. The tunnels under Vic are real and inhabited by honours students
3. Pat Walsh hosts his friends in a cave and dines upon these students
4. You only have two weeks to get out without paying
5. Foucault is watching you.

Top 5 things first years don’t need to know

1. Your fees will go up by at least 5% next year
2. You will be burdened with crippling debt for the rest of your days
3. Salient is VUWSA’s way of distributing free toilet paper
4. The way to Laby building
5. String Theory

Top 5 STI’s 1st years will contract

1. Chlamydia
2. Syphilis
3. Pregnancy
4. Itchy crawly crabs
5. Socialism

Top 5 things to do during O Week

1. Run around in a toga covered in vomit
2. Get FUCKING pissed
3. Oh, lots
4. Watch Two Girls One Cup (while FUCKING pissed).
5. Get acclimatized to university culture, you know if you’re into that kind of thing. Then get dragged away in a panel van.

Top 5 sources for essays

1. Wikipedia
2. CIA World Fact Book
3. The Torah/Bible/Koran
4. Your mate Bongz4life
5. Donny Osmond

Top 5 Sauces for essays

1. Watties
2. Sweet Thai Chili
3. Tristan’s Special Sauce
4. Hollandaise
5. Béchamel

Top 5 Election year Issues

1. Youth Crime – P or just bad parenting?
2. The Electoral Finance Act… yeah right.
3. Tax
4. Ford vs Holden
5. John Key vs Helen Clark: who would win in a naked arm wrestle?

Top 5 issues which won’t matter too much in election year

1. John Key’s hair style
2. The ever growing difference between rich and poor in NZ
3. Global Warming
4. Anything dad4justice says
5. Anything vaguely political

Top 5 reasons New Zealanders are philistines according to Duncan Fallowell

1. Women have lesbian haircuts and don’t do cleavage
2. Christchurch Cathedral Square is a visual disaster zone
3. People in general are fat ugly and covered in tattoos
4. Overall denigration of European culture
5. New Zealanders are not poms

Top 5 reasons Hillary will win the Democratic nomination

1. She’s got balls
2. Blatant misuse of sex appeal
3. Keen political savvy
4. Cashing in the Clinton name
5. Obama’s black

Top 5 reasons Obama will win the Democratic nomination

1. He’s “articulate”
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. But he’s like a black JFK
4. On the controversial Ukraine election: “Well, President Bush said he wanted to export American-style democracy and, by God, I think it’s working.”
5. Scarlett Johanssen is more popular than Hillary


About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

Comments (3)

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  1. Jackson Wood says:

    Someone changed my number 5 on the Top 5 reasons Obama will win the Democratic nomination.

    It should read: Hillary is a woman

    This would have been done nicely because a) Scarlett Johanssen (although very hot) is not a candidate in the democratic primaries, and b) it fitted in with the number 5 on the previous top 5 about why hillary would win.

    God damn sub editors fiddling with my shit.

  2. Tricia says:

    2 girls one cup…..just fucking disgusting/wrong/ewwwww!!!!
    Oh god…..

  3. Jackson Wood says:

    How would you know this Tricia?

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