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April 7, 2008 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Big City Life

Hi Wellington
I’m new in town. You’ll recognise me ‘cause I’m the one waiting for the green man to cross the road. I’m the one driving the wrong way down Victoria Street (seriously, there were cars coming in the opposite direction – you’d think someone would have tooted). I’m the one who dares enter Te Aro not wearing a) a highwaisted anything; or b) a keffiyeh. HA. Like I know what the current trend is in Te Aro. Is there a trend in Te Aro? Where is Te Aro? And what is Aro Valley in relation to it?

Everyone says how awesome Wellington is and how “you’re going to love it!” and my favourite, how close everything is. Bloody bollocks. I live in Wadestown and it’s a 40 minute walk just to get to the bottom of Lambton. The two Pak’n Saves here are a warranted 15 minute drive away. It never ceases to amaze me that in a big city such as this I can’t find something as simple as a selection of (and by selection I mean more than three) Diesel t-shirts or a copy of Running With Scissors (the book).

And how about that library eh? $1 per magazine for only 7 days? $2 for a reserve? That’s fucking outrageous. I wouldn’t be surprised if the librarians were all on six-figure salaries. If I’m going to pay $2 for a reserve I might as well buy the damn book. Which I would have. If I could’ve found it.

Now let’s talk about film
Juno: not really Wellington related or Wellington’s fault, although I did see it at the Rialto which really unimpressed me (with Theatre 1, not its giant choc cones).

The ‘film’ starts with Juno and Dwight from the American Office at a drugstore playing back and forth the most ridiculously contrived banter I have ever heard. Dwight says to Juno as she shakes the pregnancy test hoping to change the result, “That ain’t no etch-a-sketch. This is one doodle that can’t be un-did, homeskillet.” What the fuck is an etcha- sketch? And what the fuck is a homeskillet? Just kidding. I know what they are (just kidding. Homeskillet??). I was confused for a short time. Did I miss the point? Was I expecting too much? Rochelle asked me at home as I read witty snippets of online reviews to her if I had liked Juno at all. I wanted to like Juno, I really did. But you know what? It was bad. Michael Cera and Jason Bateman can’t make up for the fact that the script was so obnoxiously artificial it was insulting. And sure you can have some snappy actors and a great soundtrack (except the soundtrack sucked in equal proportion to the movie) but if your script is an offence to the environment then what have you got?

Two fucking thumbs down, a movie worth missing and an I’m glad we got in with that two for one voucher ‘cause if I’d paid $13 to see that contrite load of garbage I’d be really pissed off.


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  1. B-Dog says:

    Who wrote this? I bet It’s the coolest girl ever!

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