Viewport width =
May 2, 2008 | by  | in Online Only | [ssba]

Production night

It is production night in the Salient office. We’re here most weeks till at least 2, eating pizza, drinking, mocking the bee jesus out of everyone. Here is the normal night in the office.

1600: I get into the office to see the cheery faces of Conrad, Tristan, Tony, Tania, Seonah, Haimona and assorted others.

1606: Start stressing because I have not actually done any work on my column this week (hence why it is crap).

1609: Tania Sawicki-Mead leaves for Amnesty International meeting, Conrad and Jackson snigger about how she is a filthy hippy.

1620: Jackson dons his PRC cape and frolicks around the office in a vampant rage of pro chinaism.

1635: Complain that pizza isn’t here yet.

1637: Jackson decided to fill the void of food with alcohol and departs with Haimona to the bar to obtain beer.

1700: Jackson finishes editing Emma Dakens interview with Guyon Espiner

1735: Conrad leaves for Public law test. Tony and Tristan leave for sesh.

1823: Awesome Hells Pizza guy shows up and actually brings the delicious pizza and assorted other goodies into the office! Hooray! We think about tipping him, but decide that it might start a dangerous precident. Tristan offers to tip him with herbal remedies, Hells guy inexplicably declines.

1837: Alexander Neilson steals Salient pizza.

1915: Conrad reenters Salient office in blind rage, kicks a chair and sits down deep in a blue funk. Jackson tells him that he doesn’t want to hear Conrads problems.

1930: Conrad realises that Alexander Neilson ate all the pizza and thinks to himself “What a fat cunt au.” Takes anger out on the Reptilian shapeshifter commonly known as Kerry Tankard.

2030: Conrad proclaims: “Animals are property and have no rights.”

2031: Haimona replies: “Conrad you are my property and have no rights, shut the fuck up.”

2032: Conrad makes a disparaging comment about Haimona’s race. Haimona retorts with something vaguely homophobic. Both sides retreat to their respective corners.

2058: Matthew Proctor continues to convey reasoned and sensible advice to any who listen. No one does.

2103: Tony and Tristan leave for sesh.

2120: Someone actually writes something.

2137: Jackson draws picture that will be featured with one of his columns this week.

2248: Jackson and Tony head downstairs to take naked photos of Jackson. Take some great snaps which will feature in future issues, caught out by some peeps from the VBC.

2358: Kerry Tankard leaves office. Peasents rejoice.

0017: Tony and Tristan leave for sesh.

 0130: Wasp attacks Tony. Conrad retailiates with pool cue, Jackson with random hunk of wood, Tristan with a piece of paper. Tristan vanquishes the beast, only to find another wasp. Jackson takes foul swoop with hunk of wood, hits wasp and it disappears. HUZAAAH

0144: Jackson resumes seat at News desk only to find wasp lurking in his hair. He jumps up screaming like a little girly. Tristan vanquishes another beast and breaks light fitting in the process! HUZAAAAH!

0156: Jackson starts writing this blog. Semi naked.

0202: Tony and Tristan leave for sesh.

0222: Fuck this shit, I am going home.


About the Author ()

The editor of this fine rag for 2009.

Comments (45)

Trackback URL / Comments RSS Feed

  1. Gibbon says:

    does tristan still smoke up in the old tomb in the graveyard

  2. Jackson Wood says:

    No. We dug out a grave and now he hops in the coffin and hot boxes it. We gave the stuff that was in the coffin to Haimoa, no idea why he wanted it.

    0308: Jackson gets home and realises he shouldn’t have snorted meth off the thigh of a sub editor who shall remain nameless.

  3. Gibbon says:


  4. Jackson Wood says:

    *1805: Jackson makes wise crack about Seonah being pregnant then compounds his agony by mentioning that it is probably not her boy friends child. Seonah – aghast – picks up her shit, slaps Jackson around the face with a pool cue, threatens sexual harassment charges, and marches out the door head held high. Meanwhile Jackson is left bleeding and sobbing in the foetal position, a vague remnant of the man he once was.

    Moral of the story: Don’t mess with Seonah.

  5. Nick Archer says:

    Yay! Production night, been there done that!

    Still haven’t had time to pop up for the once in a blue Moon mandatory production night by former Salient people (to subedit to dawn), Graeme Edgeler and even Nikki Burrows (remember her?) came up once or twice last year. BK Drinkwater been telling me that it hasn’t changed…

  6. Haimona Gray says:

    0230: The remaining salient writers burn an effigy of Jackson

  7. Brunswick says:

    Production night has changed… the main difference this year is that the editor isn’t drunk.

  8. But he is still inebriated. ;)

  9. Gibbon says:

    why does kerry knock around the salient offices

  10. Brunswick says:

    Because she can spell!

  11. Jackson Wood says:

    She is like the human skeleton that the creepy 7th form Biology teacher would stash in random places to scare the kids.

  12. Brunswick says:

    Bejesus! Another Jacksonism!

    bee jesus n. hairy insect deity, as mentioned in DeBeeche Mode’s 1989 single ‘Personal Bee Jesus’ and portrayed in The Last Honey Sandwich of Christ by William Beefoe.

  13. Jackson Wood says:

    Heh, I liked Johnny Cash’s version better.

    Kerry is also an excellent sub editor who would have told me how stupid I was for writing that, then corrected it.

    You and me should collaborate on a Jacksonism dictionary, you can do the illustrations, I’ll provide the stupidity.

  14. Brunswick says:

    Excellent idea, we can include ‘hob knobbing’. I started making a list of Jacksonisms but I couldn’t find enough of them… anyone really pedantic out there who can help? It’d make a good page.

  15. Jackson Wood says:

    Peasents: n. A variety of Pisum sativum, that only grow in the postal system.

  16. I can help with all the nonsense he spouts on a daily basis?

  17. Kerry says:

    Very amusing…
    ‘Peasants’ = the proletariate
    ‘peasant’ = some latin bastardisation, referring to weight (fr, ‘peser’ to weigh)

    Laura – I’ve heard so much nonsense, you mean it’s non-stop? Ear-plugs!

    I had a hard day at the internet café, Friday, and just didn’t look in on this. Someone didn’t show up, so I spent the whole bloody day there, until we closed it in honour of a Mayday demo. Yay for anarchist decision making processes…

    Jackson, your timekeeping is as sloppy as your spelling, I left well after midnight, ‘cos I texted Grant about his ‘toon just before I went.
    [well, my phone hold onto details like that, doesn’t yours???]

    I thought ‘bejesus’ was usually bastardized to ‘beejeezus’, but then maybe that’s just ‘cos I read different magazines to the rest of you.
    Hey, it’s all vocabulary expansion.

    BTW Conrad,
    ‘inebriated’ comes from a root word referring to ‘brewed’, thus it is semantically tied to the concept of ‘drunk’.
    Perhaps ‘intoxicated’ is the semantic meaning your were grasping for?

    As to why I bother hanging around Salient – well, I’ve become a habitual corrector of yoof, and since last year was such a f*ing nightmare, I wish to erase the memories with a different calibre of observed behaviour.
    It provides amusement in my life, subediting gives me an opportunity to check my vocabulary out on a regular basis, and there are sufficient amusing people that I like, to keep me caring whether the magazine looks like crap.
    I’ve been reading Salient, and writing occasionally for it, for so long that I do actually care.
    Brunswick has a longer association with the magazine, but only ‘cos I did nothing here one decade.

    Technically, I have the qualifications to be a language teacher, I just choose to write politically instead.
    Be grateful I don’t try to teach you grammar more regularly… or French, which would be an appalling waste of my time, on current observation. [exception made for Tristan]

    Cya at the smoke-up in Aro Park, guys. Yay for J-Day!!!
    Oh, it rained pretty heavily last night, bring gumboots, brollys and plastic-lined picnic mats.
    Who’s bringing the munchies?

  18. Brunswick says:

    I would’ve said:
    peasents n. the Ents who do all the work [Tolkien].

    Kerry is a habitual corrector of yoof? Lucky yoof!

  19. Tania Sawicki Mead says:

    Filthy hippy eh? Interesting. I gleefully look forward to the day when either your or Conrad’s obstinate ranting gets you into a rat-infested dilemma and you have to give an Amnesty a call to drag you out. Unlikely, I admit. But a delicious possibility.

    Also, you forgot to mention the bit where I mutter obscenities under my breath about the noise levels while I’m trying to bring my article to some sort of legitimate conclusion. Generally its Matt, the most calm and rational of the bunch, on the receiving end. Poor guy. I should really just eject all of the freeloaders. That way there would be more pizza for all, especially Conrad “animals have no rights” Reyners – he could feast on the flesh-coated breads to his heart content . . .

  20. and I will. Things just taste more delicious when there is suffering involved.

    Kerry, I really don’t give a fuck about your pedantic semantics. In the context in which i used the word, any choice would have been fine. Unlike some people, most of us actually have careers/jobs/enjoyable social networks to attend to, and therefore we don’t have the time to bother indexing the Oxford dictionary for the correct word, cross-referenced with a historical analysis of its applicability.

  21. Oh, and Tania. Good point about Freeloaders.

  22. Brunswick says:

    Yesss… you know, Salient would be kind of fucked without pedants, Conrad.

  23. Haimona Gray says:

    But without the freeloaders production night would just comprise those of us who constantly miss deadline and aren’t done writing till midnight, So it would just be me and Joel (with the ever patient Tony there to save the day).

  24. Kerry says:

    Tania – you have raised for me the amusing spectacle of Conrad in a flouro orange jumpsuit, desperately trying to find enough spanglish in his vocabulary to be able to communicate with his guards, en route to Guantanamo.
    Best visualisation of the ‘natural consequences’ rule I’ve had for a while…

    Brunswick, be careful what you wish for … and I’m anti-spanking! ;-)

  25. I think its more a likely scenario if you and I had switched roles Kerry.

    You’d be in the Jumpsuit, and I’d be the guard putting the boot in.

  26. Tania Sawicki Mead says:

    This, more than any other post, seems to have been written purely for the enjoyment and pursual of bickering by Salient staff.

    In-jokes? Insularity? Us? Surely not.

    [Not that I mind, seeing as I’m as much of an addict to commenting as the rest of you. But it’s interesting. I wonder if anyone outside of this core group of 15 has even read the post]

  27. Jackson Wood says:

    When I wrote it, I didn’t mean for it to turn into an in-joke. I thought people would see it and think to themselves “hey those people are having fun, and shit, and I want to come have fun and shit, so I’ll come write for Salient” Unfortunately not… oh well… if you like back stabbing machinations and bitter feuds and want to get the in-jokes we’re talking about here, come up to the office and help out, we’d love you to.

  28. Jackson’s milkshake brings all the tards to the yard

  29. Jackson Wood says:

    Hence why we have so many of them in the office.

  30. Damn right. Its better than yours.

  31. “if you like back stabbing machinations and bitter feuds”

    So essentially this is us turning “eye on exec” upon ourselves… let’s pretend we did it out of sympathy/solidarity with the exec, and maybe they’ll give us more money for…. paper and shit.

  32. knobgobbler says:

    Fuck you all, go gobble a knob. You’re all just as bad as the exec but slightly more high. Spechily you Jackson. Learn to write properly and where the fuck is your political reporting? All I’ve seen you do is wank all over some pages every issue, same goes for Conrad. CUT OUT POLITICS IT IS JUST A HOMOSEXUAL JIZZ FEST.

  33. Kerry says:

    Knob –

    I refer you to Ms L McQuillan, investigative news reporter extraordinaire of ’07, to rebut your statement about Jackson’s sexual orientation. Far be it from me to step on her well-shod toes in this matter…

    I can’t speak personally in witness of Conrad’s sexual preferences, but I hardly see that whether a person is het-, bi- or homosexual is an issue that impinges on the quality of writing produced.

    FYI, I edit out spelling and grammar mistakes, some merely typographical, and generally I consider the content of the material I’m editing to be adequate for the purposes of a student paper. Joking and snide comments at 1am aside…

    I wish I could say the same amount of considered thinking or effort had been put into the comments on the webpage!

    So in conclusion: Tristan has a good point, let’s kep feeding Sonny & Alex pizza, and maybe they’ll vote us more resources funding, so we can add “throwing paper darts” to the varieties of miscreant behaviour enacted on production nights.

    I don’t like Mondays, can somebody post copies to my rellies for me so I don’t have to come in? Ta.

    There’s free cake in the quad tomorrow (may 6th) for International No Diet Day, I’ll see all the freeloaders there, it’s thanks to feminism*, so get in while you can.

    (*ie:VUW Womens’ Group on-campus activism)

  34. knobgobbler says:

    Kerry I don’t think that Tristan ever said:

    “let’s kep feeding Sonny & Alex pizza, and maybe they’ll vote us more resources funding.”

    what he did say is:

    “So essentially this is us turning “eye on exec” upon ourselves… let’s pretend we did it out of sympathy/solidarity with the exec, and maybe they’ll give us more money for…. paper and shit.”

    By which I think he means that because someone wrote some satire about the antics of the Salient office they will see that the Salienteers are just as big a muppets as the VUWSAites, and so therefore help you sluts out more.

    Also lots of gays are hiding it these days. I’ve seen that jackson around campus. Fuck hes a twat, with his huffer hoodies and aryan blonde hair. I think I’ve seen Conrad down at law school once or twice, also a twat. They’d be the perfect bum sex couple.

  35. Jenna Powell says:

    2058: Matthew Proctor continues to convey reasoned and sensible advice to any who listen. No one does.

    Ahahahahahahahahahaha. I literally Laughed out Loud.

  36. Jackson Wood says:

    And it is only when someone quotes me that I realise that that I leave s’s out of places.

  37. Miriam Malthus says:

    In conclusion, DONGS.

  38. Kerry says:

    Just imagine what depths this would have sunk to if the photo’s from production night had gone in this issue as well…

    Ahh, knobgobbler, you shall feast your unkind eyes on such riches in the centrefold next Monday.
    Ozzymandias was never looked upon with such scorn, methinks.
    Although I have to say, Salient on production night is a long way from Coleridge’s vision of the Kubla Khan’s Xanadu.
    Closer to Hieronymus Bosch’s vision of Hell, really…

  39. Jackson Wood says:

    Oh yes… the centerfold shall be good.
    I always pictured the office as the 9th circle of hell under the previous editor. However now I regard it having commited penance for its sins and has been elevated to the second circle, based on the face that we are all lustful creatures of the night. Although some certain people in the office would be thrown straight to the 3rd circle…

  40. Kerry says:

    OMFG, save me from a production night of lustful Salient pols editors.
    The atmosphere is thick enough to cut with a knife anyway already!

    Laura! Assistance.. tie him down to something, immediately :-D

  41. Jackson Wood says:

    I don’t think you have anything to worry about Kerry. I can pretty much assure you that any lust in the office is not directed in any way, whatsoever, towards you.
    The only lust I feel, is when I catch a glimpse of my own reflection in the window.

  42. Jackson Wood says:

    I would like to also point out that Kerry made a grammatical error in her comment:

    “Just imagine what depths this would have sunk to if the photo’s from production night had gone in this issue as well…”


  43. Gibbon says:

    Damn you Jackson, I wante’d to poin’t that one out!

  44. So what? says:

    Not to mention – Ozymandius or Ozymandias. Ozzy has something to do with being a washed up has been.

  45. Matthew_Cunningham says:

    Me wants to join in on the production night fun :) I can cast lustful glances with the best of them, although it’s questionable whether or not my lustful glances elicit anything but a disgusted shudder in response…

Recent posts

  1. VUW Halls Hiking Fees By 50–80% Next Year
  2. The Stats on Gender Disparities at VUW
  3. Issue 25 – Legacy
  4. Canta Wins Bid for Editorial Independence
  5. RA Speaks Out About Victoria University Hall Death
  6. VUW Hall Death: What We Know So Far
  8. New Normal
  9. Come In, The Door’s Open.
  10. Love in the Time of Face Tattoos

Editor's Pick

Uncomfortable places: skin.

:   Where are you from?  My list was always ready: England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, puppy dogs’ tails, a little Spanish, maybe German, and—almost as an afterthought—half Samoan. An unwanted fraction.   But you don’t seem like a Samoan. I thought you were [inser

Do you know how to read? Sign up to our Newsletter!

* indicates required