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October 3, 2008 | by  | in Games | [ssba]

Microsoft Games: Mint or Painfully Boring? You Decide 2008

I decided to finish this year’s game reviews section with a major rager of an article. In response to the seriousness of the last couple of weeks, I’ve decided to write an article which is serious yet contemplative, modern yet contemporary, amusing yet steeped in mythology. If you are expecting an extension of the WoW expansion beta review of a month ago, which talked about “retardins” and had an in depth analysis of the new environments in Azeroth, you will be disappointed.

All I’ve been hearing on Fox News (“FAIR AND BALANCED”) in the last couple of weeks is “You Decide 2008”, so I’ve decided to pose a question to the predominantly 18-24 male nerd audience of this review. The VUWSA election has recently passed and so I thought it was only appropriate to have a game election. This question haunted me throughout my years as an adolescent nerd and I’ve never truly resolved the complex issue that it poses. In a way, this article is a call to all the guys in Cotton and Laby who want to be heard by the greater population of Victoria University. I want you guys to come out of your shell and express your opinion to this university. They have forgotten us for too long. Our translucent skin and non-existent muscle have been ridiculed for TOO LONG! So the issue is: What is the best Windows XP game?

Your choices:

The candidates speak:

Hi, this is the King from Freecell. I reside in Compton, California. I have long tender white locks of hair and resemble Henry VIII. I look over 8 columns of randomly arranged cards and you have to order those cards on the right-hand side, bitch. You can use the left hand side BUT I’LL BE WATCHING YOU. I am hard even on a good day and as HansMoleman2000 hasn’t even managed to beat me once, he doesn’t even know what happens when you finish me off. What a lame bitch.

Welcome to the Hearts Network. What is your name? Are you interested in men or women? Are you interested in drunken sex in the Maya toilets or a deep relationship? Does your ultimate date consist of scripting Matlab or a romantic walk on the waterfront? Play the right card and you won’t score a point, or try to “Shoot the moon” by playing all the wrong cards.

Hi, I am the yellow circular face from Minesweeper. You may remember me from when YOU FUCKED UP and I went cross-eyed. It can be quite exciting occasionally, but most of the time I’m the blandest game on Windows.

Solitaire: I can be hard or easy, depending on what you are into. I am the cheap second cousin of Freecell, and I’m afraid to show my face. I am like the Hunchback of Notre-Dame. I spray cards all over you if you beat me at my own game because I have emotional issues and can’t control my anger.

In true Fox News fashion, I’ve taken a biased sample of the results by asking 4 nerds on my msn. The results from our EXCLUSIVE EXIT POLL:

Solitaire: 2/4

Spider Solitaire: 0/4 (spider cards. EDGY)

Hello Again Hans! Are You Interested In A Sexy Chatroom?: 2/4

World of Warcraft: 0/4

The Sims 3 – S&M Expansion Pack: 0/4

Interesting results aren’t they? However they do show the differences in opinions that exist in the gaming community. I have hopefully got a debate going in your group of friends, regardless of whether you reside in Cotton or you are one of the cool kids on the overbridge. Now let’s talk politics. The recent VUWSA elections have raised a question in my head. Why is there no Gaming Officer? I am proposing a person who can organize mass LANs. Women’s rights; queer rights; gamers’ rights. I like the sound of that combo.

As you have probably realized, this review is a rant and I’ve run out of material. So let’s try to summarise the past year in gaming and look into the future:

Although not strictly from this year, Call of Duty 4 is by far the best multiplayer game made in the last couple of years. Crysis was hyped and talked up, but definitely didn’t deliver the full payload it could have. Bioshock had a huge buildup and massively positive reviews, however I didn’t enjoy it. It tried to do too much. Plus the blood looks like strawberry jam [Ed: Get fucked, Bioshock fucking ruled, you philistinic mongoloid!]. GTA4, the fastest selling game ever, lived up to expectations and has definitely become an instant classic.

In the future, we can look forward to Diablo 3, new Call of Duty titles and Games Reviews the PC version of GTA4 (it’s gonna be better, console bitches!). Far Cry 2 will hopefully deliver what Crysis promised. Spore, just released, looks special. Ahh…isn’t it great to be a gamer? PS: I have not had anybody try to start the PC vs console debate with me. I guess it’s settled then. (ie personal computaz r da bomb)

But whoah, wait a minute, [Ryback enters into the article all guns blazing via bold font] – from a purely unbiased gamer’s perspective (having owned numerous consoles and Pcs), PC gaming is unfortunately in dire straits, it’s a bummer but console gaming is the way of the future, no more expensive upgrades, I’d rather spend my scrilla on fly threads to keep fresh for da ladies cause only us cool pipatea ballas know what it’s like to have the skux

P.S Hansmoleman’s so called leet machine crashes while playing multiplayer COD4, I heard that doesn’t happen with consoles

P.P.S If you own a Mac, you just jumped on the failtrain, while every other gamer is having a great time on the lolercoaster. Oh yeaaa!

[HansMormon3.14 re-enters the debate from the back entrance]

Your first paragraph contains no full stops. Subsequent paragraphs do not contain full stops. You are fucken shit at grammar. My leet machine doesn’t crash, it just takes breaks. Your comment “only us cool pipatea ballas know what it’s like to have the skux.” is completely false. If you would like to see who has the “skux”, please visit Laby or Cotton. Casey Ryback isn’t even a real person. He got shot in the shoulder in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory and still managed to kill everybody on the train. IT’S STEVEN SEAGAL. He’s blatantly a pussy who cooks pastries. HANSMOLEMAN CHANGES COLOUR. Haven’t you seen No Country for Mole Men?

Conclusion: Epic fail for consoles

[Games Ed: With the grandeur and grace afforded to me by these WICKED SICK square brackets, I’m gonna jump in here and mock both these n00bs. Lets start with that shit for brains FPS r3tard Ryback.

Seriously. What is with you? Consoles will never take it out – they will always be PC gaming’s weak little suicidal brother. I can’t take anything seriously from a gamer who consistently scores the LOWEST in multiplayer Cod4 HQ 2v2s. Learn to flashbang, Ryback. Its either that, or scampering back to Cooking Momma on the Wii. Oh, and while I’m at it, you are yet to beat me in Company of Heroes. And I’m pretty shit. Beat me at that, then we’ll talk.

Now HansMORON – where do I start with you? You may be able to program Matlab like a maestro, but I’m yet to see you figure out how to run your own router in a DMZ. Gtfo, network noob. I expect better from a dude majoring in electrical engineering. Your lack of faith disturbs me. Still, you are a loyal PC brother – and you are decent at Cod4, even if all you fucking use is the shitty grenade launcher because you ain’t got no real shotgun skills like a true haxx0r. I generally agree with your wrap up of this year’s titles. It’s been a pretty average year for gaming to be honest. Not as great as the glory that was 2004. Spore was a fucking letdown.

Still, we got Crysis Warhead, StarCraft 2 and Stalker: Clear Sky to cream our pants over. Bring on the fucking holidays.]


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  1. Guy says:

    If you let me be gaming officer, I will let you upgrade my computer so I can play DOOM3, which, incidentally, I can’t believe you didn’t mention.
    If you guys were real no-mate computer n00b5 you would be playing unlanable games by yourself.
    Spider Solitaire is best of XP games I think, minesweeper is cool if you just wanna mash the mouse fast as

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