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March 23, 2009 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Mature Student May Die

Janet Sampson, in what many consider an unsurprising move, called an impromptu press conference in the middle of a sticky LAWS 121 question about whether the Mori Ori were covered by Te Treaty o’ Waitangi (and weren’t they all eaten up by people from Taranaki anyway?).

Sampson, 54, claimed her old bones felt the cold more fearsomely each year and this winter is already ramping upto be the worst.

“It’s only autumn, or fall as they say in the United States– the United States of America, not the United States of Belgium, you silly bears. That was only a loose confederation of states for a brief period in 1790! I’m surprised you even remembered back that far with your blippy blip MTV goldfish memories,” Sampson said.

Sampson then rambled incoherently for what one student, Michelle Kennedy, described as “an age longer than the sweet eldritch tang of death itself.”

Sampson returned to her original other point.

“Friends, other students, members of the media and the nice young lecturer man, I don’t mean to alarm you, but over the past several weeks, it has come to my attention that I might not be around much longer. Oh shush, it’s not that I’ll be leaving you alone to face LAWS 121 without my guidance, oh dear me no! It’s just that I might not be among the living anymore,” she said.

“The winter—it is a sentient presence I can feel in my bones,” she said, motioning specifically to her knees, elbows and her grotesquely swollen knuckles. “I guess it’s the water on my knee; the cold sneakily enters my bones; it freezes my knee-water, spreading little diamonds of ice through my body where it bursts and shatters the delicate tissues of my very being.”

She paused and then added “I ache. All the time. I ache.”

She then proceeded to pull another oversized woolly cardigan over her bony frame.

Jane Koh, student representative for LAWS 121, confided in Salient.

“I mean, I guess it’s sad that she’s dying, kind of. Is it okay that I want her to die? Well, I don’t mean ‘die’ die, I mean, I just want Janet to die a little—on the inside? Is that okay?” Koh asked sheepishly.

LAWS 121 lecturer Christopher Lamonica (it rhymes with harmonica) declined to comment on either Koh’s position about Mrs. Sampson or her incomprehensible gibberish, and in a display of apathy so pronounced it would make this sentence make sense, he continued phoning in his lecture as per the course outline.


About the Author ()

Nic Sando is a god amongst men, fifteen fathoms high he be, with strange and wyrd powers at his disposal. Only a fool won't harken his ears to the east when he hears The Sando man stumping his way.

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