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April 27, 2009 | by  | in Features | [ssba]

The Salient Manifesto

My ego is a modest twelve and one half cubits, nearly twice what Mikael Overlord claimed, yet only a tenth as big as what I would like it to be. My huge ego compensates for my wildly defunct performance in sports, and my hideously scarred mental stability, so serves somewhat as a counterbalance to the fact I am also lazy, and unaware of my own body odour. This body odour was one of the requirements for moving closer to nature and becoming a communist.

Needless to say, egos and other ilk are forcibly removed in a communist state, where everyone is passing round joints, and sharing love and Hare Krishna food for free.

In copy and pasting this article off Wikipedia, I have taken out some fart jokes to put a few things in about democracy and communism, and how they work hand in hand.

This is because that guy Johnson, who owns Salient, wants me to put more coherency into my writing, so that people who aren’t on a massive P binge will be able to understand it. So what does this mean to the average member of my hardcore fanbase? What does it mean to the 3001194407 fan in the street? What about those three or four people? Basically, it means that someone is selling some impure shit. So careful amigos, there’s some gear floating around that won’t quuuuuiiiiiite get you… you know… floating around. Come and see me if you want some good shit.

This is what happens if you don’t pay attention in CHEM 104. Some people still don’t know how to wash the solute with isopropanone correctly before the crystallisation stage. Fair enough, it’s a hard step, but it’s not fair on the buyer to sell poor quality shit. Nothing gives P addicts a bad name like when some bad gear is on the scene. And I’m not saying this to ruffle any feathers, no need to go cutting my hands off. That is if any of you can stay awake on your lame gear.

But what does a quasi-hermitesque [Note to Langdon: use of the letter ‘q’ twice in one word—bragging? Yes, definitely] bespectacled mountebank of jocosity like myself know about communism? Well, nothing. That’s why I’m writing this article, to teach myself a thing or two while I make it up. Let me outline the physico-ethereal and psychobilious cranial rhythms herein.

The Origins of Communism

Communism is the bastard child of the terrible hippy movement, when, in a bid to challenge the establishment and discover individuality, people all dressed exactly the same and listened to exactly the same music.

Communism is the world’s only true religion, even truer than World of Warcraft, but with slightly fewer followers. New Zealand became a communist state in the late 90s when everyone was online, so nobody really noticed. A communist is basically someone whose beliefs are even a tiny bit more left wing than yours, not to be confused with a Nazi, who is someone whose beliefs are even a tiny bit more right wing than yours. I’m sure you all realised as teenagers that your parents are big on the Nazi scene. Therefore I have just defecated to communism, having my bathroom mirror on my right, thus I am now left of myself, while I’m on the can.

“Good old” kiwi commies, mate!

The great socialist state of New Zealand is led by it’s ledder [respectful pause] John Key, [moment of silence] who is easily the greatest living New Zealander, called so for his incredible 1988 year when he scored ten tries in only five test matches against Wales and Australia, outdoing fascist Aussie political and financial long-term rival, David Campese. Key is not perfect like Jesus or Brad Pitt, but he is pretty incredible. Incredibly evil! Why else do you think he gets to be in charge? Us Kiwis are cool, man! We wouldn’t have some dorky goody-good in charge, would we!

Practical Uses

Communism is one of those things, like a relationship, that works great in theory, but in practice is horrible, due to the closeness of us to each other. Please consider that feral hippies have little to no access to running water and clean socks, and are often sporting large rodents throughout their dreadful locks. They must smoke large quantities of marijuana to ‘take the edge off’ so they don’t get in each other’s faces too much, or say anything that might relate to an actual conversation they are taking a vague part in.

All communists are poor, and work hard. This differs from ancient hippy traditions where they were all poor and didn’t work at all. In modern communism our only individualities are these stupid ID cards where each person’s barcode looks slightly different. The second you enrol at Victoria University you become a communist.

There are a few noticeable differences between oligarchic democracy and modern communism. Democratic political systems work in the standard bureaucratic manner: a bunch of suits go out on the rantan, get sloshed, and the whole country cynically joins in a game of spin the bottle to find out who gets to be captain. He gets even drunker at his indoctrination ceremony, throws a dart at a world map, and they invade! He boasts about how brave, free and patriotic his countrymen are, then he sends them all off to die.

The main difference lies herein: communism is one of the world’s more tolerant religions—they will let pretty much anyone in, even someone like me. As you can imagine, communism spreads with a mild passive aggressiveness that we haven’t seen since the early 60s.

Notable communists include Cradle of Filth vocalist Dan Carter, anyone who plays a musical instrument, the world’s other greatest New Zealander Raybon Kan, and Salient’s own Woody Johnson.

And where does Nietzsche’s superman/woman come into this? It doesn’t. You must be thinking of something else.


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