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May 11, 2009 | by  | in News | [ssba]

I am the Exec-utioner

Josh Cosgrove is a killer. After graffiti-ing the VUWARSE van with his pro-phallic slogans, he has obliterated all life on Earth with swine flu and ineffectual political activism.

President Tamsin Freemantle, led by the pro-war defiance of Fiona Eng, has cast a level twelve fireball at Josh, scorching his pubic thatch with a ban. A ban that does not even exist, and unfortunately, cannot even be enforced. According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, Josh Cosgrove, the former ARSEVIEW President, Angel of Death, Iraq war instigator, family man and all-round nice-guy, has been totally macking on heaps of hot first-year chicks round the Student Onion Building.

This has not gone down well with those drunk guys that always gatecrash student parties in the blind hope of meating someone.

“He’s scoring with all these chicks that we want to get, man” a random drunk dude that couldn’t remember his name was quoted as saying. “I’m like, trying to text this chick and she keeps thinking it’s Joel, aye bro.”

Salient News Bureau received the following quote from Cosgrove:

“Yeah, I didn’t come to university to ‘get a degree’, man. That Aussie money I spent was sweet, man, I fucked you guys over bad, and ripped everyone off, dude, it was fucking sweet, man. Did my thesis at the last minute and shit, can’t even remember what I’m studying, aye bro.”

Constroversy has followed Joe since he came to Earth. His first publicity stunt of flailing his warty bell-end about during a graduation ceremony was totally lame, yet has ignited the passions of this conspiracy theorist.

I believe issue 11 of Salient 2008 contains some overlooked information. Let us examine the photo on page 9, and consider the shirt that Josh was wearing: the MS Word ‘courierPS’ font declaring his love for the penis in question, which has some incredibly serious implications. This is exactly the same font that the FBI use to type up their top-secret UFO reports. What does this mean to us? Is Joe’s penis in league with the FBI? Is Joe’s penis from another planet?

Or is it an undercover agent here to overthrow Saddam? Better get the body doubles.

Joe then set fire to the New Zealand flag with co-conspirators The Catholic Church, urinated on it, and ran out of the pub, claiming this was done in the best possible taste, before sitting down to a sunday morning Shortland Street marathon, after some spots.

If you see Cosgrove hanging around the Student Onion Building REPORT HIM IMMEDIATELY TO THE POLICE! He is considered female, grey-beanied, armed, and according to BK, totally last year.


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