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May 25, 2009 | by  | in Features | [ssba]

Religion is cool


Hey boyfriends! Today’s topic is religion. And it’s so um like totally you know yeah totally like um yeah um like it’s totally you know? I mean it’s like totally cool, right?

So people say there is this ‘thing’, this ‘energy’, that is cosmic in nature, all loving, has all information, and answers prayers. And then they spend all their time intellectualising about it! Look man, IT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! You’re on it now! The internet is God! It has lots of love (porn), information (fart jokes and porn) and just type something (free porn) into google! You can’t get a quicker answer (Jenna Jameson) than that, right?

Now as a biologist, I am in a prime position to get extremely drunk and yell bullshit at people. I have been known to go to R&B parties and scream Cannibal Corpse songs through a traffic cone at the house band while wearing, at most, my eyebrows. Like last weekend, I just dominated. I went to this party—I didn’t know anyone there, in fact I wasn’t even invited—and I totally won EVERY conversation; I was that awesome. They had to kick me out because I just kept on winning all the conversations. And today I am ranting about religion and the meaning of life. Having been raised in a shallow, materialistic rat race, I am in a perfect position to understand the depths of spirituality and absolute truth. Now I should probably confess to you that I have NEVER taken five minutes of my life to even think about religion, but I am pretty sure that what I’m righting here is write. So like, um, yeah, like totally totally like, you know um like the three totally um coolest religions are um totally like:

0) Jackson for the V and sausage roll the other week, chur bro.
1) Ninja with guitar in a tank of electric eels on PCP.
2) Jedi.
3) Unicron’s voice in the old cartoon transformers movie really loud on surround sound, on weed.

In this article, from deep within my electric eel tank, I will be dissecting every religion so you can figure out which heaven to go to when you enrol in God. There are many many heavens, even some that aren’t true, but fear not: they are all real.

One of the most holy, spiritual places on the whole of New Zealand are, on fact, India. This are because there of 1.2 billion people is are there. Do you know how many people that are? Next time you are in are lecture, look around. You see the number of people asleep? It is even more than that!

Why is religion such an important topic? VUW is actually a haven for spirituality, both good and evil kinds. We are sick of the emissaries of Satan here that sell expensive, charred coffee with a sulphur content to rival brontosaurus farts. We have many lost souls in the astral plane of the lower library, vacant and glassy-eyed, as they wait for the euphoria of logging onto the internet, where the real world is. So do not put your trust in the handles of door, nay, reach outward and up a bit to the buttons that ye may be redeemed from thine imprisonment in shitty Wellington wind.

And from whence doth mine mighty wisdom cometh? Having reached a fifteen-digit student loan, I am in deep emotional upheaval, and after my first few heart attacks, I have decided to boycott emotions altogether. This cynicism and life of denial gives me the ability to understand the mighty unfathomable love of the inner dimensions, so I can tell you all which religion will get you into the cool people’s class when you have your first day at heaven.

Worry not though, I am ever loving and kind, like a huge flying mound of spaghetti I give and I give and I give in monstrous bolognesey amounts. From my cool tree hut (max 3 people on each branch, and we’ll have to hide from my mum) I cast judgement ‘pon the faiths a’following:


Jedi is totally the coolest religion. Like, you know, totally? (Tori Spelling taught me that sentence.) Originally Jedi was a religion that inspired respect and awe due to the amount of telekinetic powers, intergalactic time-warping spaceships, and huge illegally imported mexican sparklers that Jedis receive upon graduation with their free prostate awareness t-shirt [rim shot], but lately the religion has seen an unusual amount of acolytes in the form of drastically over- or under-weight men in their twenties and thirties who know the entire internet off by heart, of course including web browser, URL, street and P.O. Box address. These people are not actual bona fide ‘Jedis’ per se, but they do extremely accurate impersonations, which can be rather confusing, and this ability is often used as a tool to recruit more psuedo-jedis at a young age.


Not to be confused with actual Jedi

Say I: beware! Complete with almost dolby digital quality sound effects, these false Jedi bombard almost all areas of society except for gymnasiums, nightclubs… well, anywhere without computers. These people profess a huge devotion to their Queen Amidala, who’s various body doubles throw off any would-be on-line propositions from her millions of fans. (Damnit!)


The evil Sith or ‘Cool’ people are the nemesis of the fake Jedi. The cool people’s relaxed demeanour morphs into a childish hyperactivity with the use of their wedgie ability (+4 to THACO).


Confucious was a famous Chinese Jedi.


Atheists are large, cave-dwelling, dinosaur-riding, bush-wackin’ varmints from the cup-of-tea-shaped planet, Aythe. They like yeehawing, rootin’, tootin’, belly-smackin’, grog-swilling, and waving their shotguns around. They always live life to the fullest and are wicked fun at parties, because of their ability to simply ‘shoot the shit’. The name atheist comes from the greek “a” (meaning ‘an’) the latin “the” (meaning a different word) and another part of words. The only slight beef I have with atheists is that whenever I want to talk deep philosophy with them, they always start talking about spaghetti, and most of the time don’t have any with them.

Atheism has been around for a while, and is finally cementing itself in modern Tattooine as a genuine religion, the church of which is a wretched hive of scum and villainy, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in the war on terror, and were suddenly silenced. But on closer inspection it turns out that atheists don’t… well, they don’t have an actual god. I don’t mean to be critical or anything, but I don’t think you can call yourself a religion if you don’t have a god. What is up with that? To help my friends from Aythe out, I am hereby nominating myself as a contender for the position of their god. I hope to win this election fairly, and by that I mean I will cheat and steal, and use propaganda. I just hope this move to Godhood will not get in the way of my science studies, or my other religion of Planet Gong, the worship of teapots.


You can see this type of religious persuasion everywhere. And their bibles are so open and easy to get to as well! Full of semi-nude people, botched implants and weight gain, they’re sold in just about every shop from here to round the world to back here again to just over there! Not there, there! Tabloidists always know what the hot goss is in Hollywood, but sadly this creates a massive gaping hole in the head of anyone who reads this trash. People who write tabloid bibles are called dicks.

Britney Spears, Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie, and Tomkat are the high priestesses of this heathen religion. Don’t go there, boyfriend! Just watch the National Geographic Channel. That’s where me and the Salient scarf get all our gnus.


The following statement is true.

The previous statement is false.


When you open the button-operated door to heaven, it is immediately boring. Oh no, that’s university. Heaven has a little gate with one of those latches that is really annoying for anyone who has had between nine and seventeen beers. How do I know? Well, now that I’m God, I’m running the place, and I’m the only drunk in here. And you’re fired. Clear out your desk. Oh, you don’t have one? That’s because I’M GOD, DUDE, AND I JUST GOT CHUCK NORRIS TO ROUNDHOUSE KICK YOUR DESK TO THE DUMP!!! I mean the recycling centre. I’m a green God.


The Face of the One True God

1. Found out who Ann Tolley is.
2. Set fire to Joel Cosgrove.
3. Forgot who Ann Tolley is, two minutes after finding out.
4. Bought a Morbid Angel ticket.
5. Probably failed a paper.


You might not believe me, but there is actual evidence to suggest that spaghetti exists. I don’t have it with me… because I ate it! Yum! Would you like a simple experiment to prove the existence of The Flying Spaghetti Monster? First of all, do heaps of cocaine. It’s not for the experiment, but it will make it more fun. And having fun is fun! Then sell what’s left of your cocaine and buy a catapult. When I did this experiment, I spent my entire $2 million inheritance on a castle in Scotland so I would have somewhere aesthetically fitting to park mine. Next, give me some of your money (and cocaine) as mates rates for teaching you cool stuff like how to read this thing when you should be studying. Have you eaten heaps of spaghetti? So what you want to do, is hop in your catapult, and shoot yourself over your castle while you punch yourself in the guts, and throw the spaghetti up. Let it cascade beautifully through the air, and you will see miracles occur. There will be no doubt in your mind from now on, my friend.


1. The first law of thermodynamics states that it is illegal, under a national government, to create or destroy any energy.

2. The Matrix showed that humans are practically made out of energy.

3. Energy is stored in fatty tissues, particularly the ass.

4. Chuck Norris can kick anyone’s ass, thereby destroying energy.


Send me $20 and if I am not halfway through sitting down relaxing, I will hook you up with a genuine Next-Life experience. Yeah yeah, I’ll do it as soon as I get to the next save point. We here at Next-Life Inc. (patent pending) value you as a privileged customer (that’s not a hundred percent true). I actually got the idea to start up Next-Life Inc. from an infomercial promising ‘a new me’ and thought I could go one step better, with a more thorough, precise approach to the matter, and a real intensity toward the customer service (apart from the lying). Now get in the chair while I administer the cyanide. Now that you’re dead, you’re well on your way to your next life. I’m off to buy a tinny.


Forever and ever. Ramen.


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Comments (2)

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  1. BRUTAL TRUTH says:

    Ideology is cool, did you say? ha ha! Only for the weak. That’s a good In Flames song, and Cannibal Corpse is cool as.

  2. SLAYER says:

    Not to mention Decrepit birth diminishing between worlds that shit is FUCKIN BAD ASS!
    In flames rule

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