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May 11, 2009 | by  | in Features | [ssba]

You Have Been Warned

This week I have many questions regarding words and communication. These are very deep and meaningful questions that need answers; the kind of answers I will probably only be able to get from a priest who is really really high.

Like just what the hell are people talking about when they say things? What should we make our mouths do when we want to say things? But what exactly is a thing? Well, a thing is a thing that people talk about. The word ‘thing’ can be used as a verb, like: “What I was thinking about just before made sense, but I can’t remember how.”

What is a word? A word is a word you can use to talk about a thing. How does a word use our intelligence up to make us know something is true, especially if we read it on the internet? What about you? Do you know what words you want to say when you want them to mean something? But why do people even use words to talk about things? Why not just use a picture? Why not just hold up a picture of people talking? That would be way easier than doing conversations everywhere.

Or why not just throw a book at someone? When you see your mates, just throw a book at them. That is like a thousand conversations! That’s better than just asking people how their day is going, isn’t it? Of course! Does your mate need to learn physics? Well, do them a favour and hit them with a nice heavy science book.

And why are there so many people reading books that don’t even have pictures? That is just bizarre! How do they remember what all the different words mean? Don’t these people know how to watch TV? Are they stupid, or lazy or something? According to science, a picture is better than 999 words. So books obviously need fewer words and more pictures! I have got some really nice books that I hung up on my wall ages ago; they only take a few seconds to read, and they’re tastefully framed. One is a book of a sunset, another is of a lake. I think if I put words all over them it would just ruin the whole vibe of the book.

As a writer, I know what words are. When I listen to people, I hear the words that are going ‘boing boing boing’ into my ears and then back out again. I also know a lot of things that I think are true. I know the best questions to ask people who want me to understand them, and when they talk, I use the words they are saying to talk to the people in my brain.

When people do words at me, I know who is telling them to me, and I put the words in my brain and forget how to spell them. The ones I remember, I will regurgitate later in a loud, probably drunk, random configuration, without having thought very much about them in years, and without considering the probability that my knowledge is totally out of date. You know this process as education.

Some claim that those who are educated are simply indoctrinated, saying “I can think for myself”, which is silly. These people don’t seem to understand that I am getting educated so that I DONT HAVE TO think for myself. Why would you want your own opinions when you can just take someone else’s, and say that? There’s already an opinion about it, so just use that one. You don’t need to go making up another one. Just use their brain! That’s what I do—I’m a genius, and I NEVER use my brain for ANYTHING. I can then do other things like horse riding, tennis, shopping, running along the beach giggling; I’m totally carefree, and I feel safer than my best friend.

But there are even bigger questions than these that need answering: Will Captain Planet come and save us from global warring? Why have the world authorities not called Batman to get our boys out of Iraq? Why are there still people alive in Iraq? Why haven’t they shot everyone yet? I thought Americans were tough!

But—and it is a very big but, possibly even bigger than Queen Latifah’s—some people in academia do not actually believe in Captain Planet. This is another problem facing society, and I for one am SICK of John Key doing nothing about it. He hasn’t replied to any of my emails, and he expressed no interest whatsoever in joining my planeteers club, although this could be due to the fact he would have to be heart. No one else wanted to. I get to be fire. Now let’s use science to tell us where religion fits in with all this.

I have a fair bit of experience with religion, like when I played Baldur’s Gate II I always made sure I had a cleric or a druid in my adventuring party. Some people think this is a bit wussy, but I need the cure spells, and I can’t afford all those healing potions!

Sure, druids are a bit lame at the lower levels, but once they hit about level ten they get the insect plague spell, which has saved me from so many pesky wizards by disrupting their magic ability. A high level druid is a formidable addition to any dungeoneering outfit. Werewolf ability! Transform! Ha ha, you don’t know what I’m talking about, do you? But let’s not get all down on religion, especially when clerics can turn undead. Us Salient reporters need this skill every week when we go on the Eye On Exec meeting, and fight the Eye Of The Exec Tiger. We have to wear a lot of denim to survive.

Using modern scientific techniques, we can deduce that the Bible does exist. It does, Okay? Lets not argue about that. It does exist, and it is a book. It’s also a movie, a sitcom, a high-rated TV series, a novel, a pamphlet, an infomercial, and it might be a bit less preachy with illustrations by Quentin Blake.

According to the Bible, when you graduate university you can go on the dole and sit around playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater all day. The spiritual authorities of biblical times called this state of existence “heaven”. It certainly sounds all right to me, I actually spent most of my twenties in this state, and plan on spending a good deal of my thirties, forties, fifties and sixties there. Now back in the nineties, it was really sweet, because only people who could speak English could get into heaven, but these days WINZ is just letting anyone in. Even people with kids! So it is going to be pretty crowded, you should definitely take your iPod or a good A3 Stephen King picture to read or hit people with.

And let’s not forget about the environment!

Holy shit, we are all in big trouble if we don’t mention global warming a few times in our writing! So, to take one for the team, I have just mentioned it, and yes, reading about it constantly is boring, it’s just that we are required BY LAW to put it in a column or two, or people instantly think we’re not aware of current events. When in actuality, we ARE aware of them, we are just aware that there is more than one of them.

One way to ‘fight’ global warming—if indeed one can ‘fight’ ‘terrorism’—is by putting safety warnings on plastic bags. An auxiliary component of this procedure is to make the bags at your local supermarket really hard to open, so no one can use them to self-asphyxiate when they get paranoid and start to hyperventilate when they see the constant fear-mongering of the newspapers.

But the standard warning for a plastic bag these days is something like this:

I believe a third point that John Key will be making a requirement sometime in the future is that any children in your care should already be dead, so they do not asphyxiate while you get some good old-fashioned ‘in-bag’ molestation going on.

Here are some other warnings I saw while I was getting drunk in a Briscoes store, on the way to a job interview:

Well obviously it would throw off the laser-optics in the missile’s targeting system. I presume a woman of normal weight would be fine.

Here is another:

And this, on the side of a nuclear warhead I somehow found in MJO’s wallet:

Which is just common sense, really. However, this kind of thing leads me to ask the question, “Are we becoming too PC as a society?”, which can be answered by someone else. I really don’t give a shit, because I missed the Necrophagist gig. Bummer.

Anyway, lads and ladies, that is me all done for this configuration of sentences, words and letters that you can show to the people in your brain. I hope you will let them ferment and get you mentally high off their intelligence aroma. I also hope you had a safe time, free and devoid of paper cuts and eye strain reading this week’s issue of Salient. Please read the safety warning at the end of this column.

Love, marshmallows, and smiley face emoticon.

From all of us here at Salient, hugs, kisses, and please be safe. (Hugs and kisses come with many MANY strings attached, as per standard relationship conditions at equilibrium).


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