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June 15, 2009 | by  | in Online Only | [ssba]



There are some good things to do during exams.

And there are some bad things to do during exams.

Some good things are to study. Studying is pretty helpful. When you read books you absorb the knowledge they contain. This knowledge can later be utilised when answering a question in an exam. Especially if you remember what it is—if you don’t remember then this is not good. So make sure you remember everything you read.

A good way to remember things is to be awake when you read the book. If you are not awake then you will not remember. Being drugged up on caffeine into a zombie-esque state is not awake either. So make sure you go to sleep and wake up at appropriate times. If you can’t go to sleep, take some other form of drug, which will make you fall asleep.

Actually, just take heaps of drugs. There is this movie, and I’m pretty sure it’s a documentary right, about these guys who keep smoking heaps of Mary Jane, and the more Mary Jane they smoke, the smarter they become, and they are like smoking that stuff heaps or something and then they get into Harvard, so maybe if you just drug yourself up a lot you will be really smart too.

Don’t actually take the drugs during the exam though; you might get kicked out of university entirely or something. You probably couldn’t apply for an Agrotat in this case, since it doesn’t really cover drug taking. But either way, these methods are not really good because then you won’t be able to sit the exam.

Don’t start fires at the Mount Street Bar either or the Uni will ban you from entering the premises. Actually, don’t start fires anywhere, especially not indoors because you’ll also get banned. And then you won’t be able to sit your exam. That’s not good—ask Joel Cosgrove, he’ll tell you. Even if you didn’t start a fire, don’t film it, because you will get kicked out too.

Come study at uni: it’s so cool and you probably won’t procrastinate as much. It’s really warm and inviting. Bring your sleeping bag and your toothpaste too. That way you’ll have something to keep you warm, and a source of food. You probably could sleep here too, just lie under a table or something. And stay quiet. Very quiet. Especially when security come around.

During exam times, you need to make sure you eat well. Good foods include eggs, fish and potatoes. These help your brain think and make you smart. Make sure you get plenty of water too. Alcohol doesn’t count as water, most of the time. If your tastebuds can’t tell the difference, try setting it alight. If it catches, it is most likely alcoholic. (Just don’t do it on uni premises, see above point.)

You could start a discussion group. They make studying fun, because you get to talk about what you have studied. And then during exams, you can sit behind them and copy what they have written. But don’t get caught. That’s called ‘cheating’. And if you cheat, you’ll get you kicked out, motherfucker.

If you are confused about your notes, seek help from a lecturer. Lecturers can be really helpful, especially if you’re in love with them. Not love as in ‘I want sexy time’, but love as in ‘I think you are an amazing person’. Though, your love might include both. Then you’ll get to spend some special time with them and then you can write about it to Salient. Hurrah.

If all else fails you can sleep with your lecturer for an A+!

Good luck!


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Comments (11)

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  1. We are not amused

  2. We are definitely NOT amused

  3. Henry Low says:

    I slept with my Lecturer and I only got an A-.

  4. Woe To Deserters! says:

    The “article” is bloody pathetic. No seriousness at all huh, is that your new motto!
    Advising students to “just take heaps of drugs.” What banal stupidity. You should be ashamed of yourself.

  5. Wtf. says:

    What’s wrong wit something nt so serious at this time of yr? It’s exam time dammit. I just want to read something light-hearted that’s not preaching more study tips down my throat. I,for one think it’s funhny. Also, if you read it, it says “Don’t actually take the drugs during the exam.” Ha.

    Nw I have to get bk to study.

  6. “The “article” is bloody pathetic. No seriousness at all huh, is that your new motto!
    Advising students to “just take heaps of drugs.” What banal stupidity. You should be ashamed of yourself.

    Hey—HEY! She can’t offer you anything more than the Wong View.

  7. M says:

    I tried the take drugs thing, don’t think it worked too well thought in heling me with my exams. But of course that could have been because I was dmoking drugs instead of studying but hey at least I had fun. Good advice

  8. Guy A says:

    I took heaps of drugs and ended up enrolled at uni.

  9. yawn says:

    Shirley Wong is really not as funny as people make her out to be. in fact the column wasn’t amusing at all. talk about underwhelming!

    also on an unrelated note since method man’s movie High Flyers was referenced to, Ghostface Killah was pretty amazing live

  10. Aiden Lang says:

    This was okay.

  11. wang the wongster says:

    wong time reader, first time commenter.

    Shirley pretty much is the light of my life which I orbit around.

    Shirley also has incredibly straight teeth.

    Don’t be mean to Shirley you will damage her self esteem (she lives for praise, altho i’m not sure if her self esteem is damageable, she is really a crazy cat lover)

    peace out brothers and sisters xx

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