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June 2, 2009 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]



You’ve probably seen them around. They walk normal. They dress normal. Their belly button hair is normal. Their toenails are normal. Their underarm hair is the normal width, breadth, elasticity, temperature and humidity. They also eat normal; and poo with the standard degrees of variable pungency. They look normal, and their pimples are normal, but what you don’t know is that they are part of a sacred cult—no, a religion. A wacky religion called Science. A religion that is a cult that is millions of a billions of years old, in femtomicrons, x 10-9 over DX to the Coulomb.

So just what is this loony tunes backwards illogical religion called Science? People scoff at the claims of Science, like turning monkeys into men, and being able to splice tomatoes with walruses and vice versa, but actually, I believe Science can answer some of the questions we think up so when we’re wasted we’ve got trippy stuff to talk about. Like why did Stephen Hawkwind create the universe? Why didn’t he make it a bit warmer? Is this what globe warming is for?
Can you imagine the endless possibilities of walruses with tomatoes as heads? This would free the tomato species from being stuck on the boring old vine all day, or at Pak’n’Save, and be able to go and explore the ocean, or waterworld. Tomatoes have rights! Isn’t it about time the National party did something to give tomatoes back the world? These new tomatoes could defend themselves with tusks, and clap when they go to a Neil Diamond concert, unlike other Neil Diamond fans of the vegetable kingdom.

So I am now a member of Science, and I go to Science church whenever possible. I became a Scientist for the same reasons everyone else does: I like walking round the Captain Kirk building reading the funny cartoons on people’s doors. This is a religion involving wearing a white coat and using big words that I keep forgetting the meaning of. As well as this, Science gives me the technology I need to end sentences with a preposition. It also gives me great insight into life, like I know where the universe comes from, honestly, no shit, man. You see, one day there was this circus monkey called Charles Darwin, who was riding round on his unicycle, wearing his funny hat and smoking a cigar, totally minding his own business, when he saw that Stephen Hawkeye was dangerously close to the side of the pool, calculating the hotness of one of the lifeguards, and the probability score of a “score” if you know what I mean. Well, Charlie, being an impressionable young chap, full of testosterone, and wanting to be a bit of a comedian, having read in RALPH Magazine that sense of humour was number three in “the top ten things you need to pull chicks” list, decided to show off to the lifeguard by pushing Stephen down the Naenae water slide, smashing his voicebox computer MAME Atari Streetfighter VS Tekken emulator and creating what scientists have called “The Universe.” This really annoyed everyone, because now we all have work in the morning. This is why people who don’t like science are always slagging off Charles Darwin.

Why Become a Scientist?

Well why not?

That’s Not A Proper Answer

In other science news, American fatties are making the earth literally tilt on it’s axis!Oh alright. Here’s why: Who do you think is cooler and more badass? Ice Cube or Snoop D.O. Dubble-G? Or are they both dicks? These are the important questions facing scientists these days. Life truly hangs in the balance.
I became a scientist because I want to win the “Nobel Prize”—this is a very prestigious award, given to the scientist with the funniest Far Side cartoon on their office door. As you can imagine, there is some pretty heated competition going on, with some scientists using invisible glue to stick their favourite Far Side panel on the inside of their door window so no one else can swipe it, and take it to the centre of the universe where the Elves make the prizes.
The one thing that all the scientists want to know is “Is there room for Science in God?”—this is what billions of dollars of funding is going into. Naturally scientists have to spend lots of money getting real drunk so they can get their confidence levels up to explain their hypotheses to hot chicks at parties. Unfortunately the system sometimes backfires, and the scientists end up buying heaps of drinks for her and not getting any action, then of course they say that there can’t be a God. Some internet nerds hypothesize that this is a bias in the treatment of evidence, but I don’t think so—I think it’s just the way of things, the way of nature, human nature, life nature. Sometimes you have to put something in her drink as well.

How the Universe was Created by Stephen Hamperwilly and the NaeNae Water Slide

There are many different hypotheses on the creation of the universe, but only the one I just told you is true and proven. What happened was, Stephen Hawkwing was a teenager and going out with this real hot but prudish Christian chick, who wouldn’t even put out, even though they’d already been on a date! They went to Burger King. A chick should totally put out if you take her to Burger King. They’d been together a couple of weeks, and this chick was being a total prude, she was frigid as, so one Friday night Steve-o was totally plying her with all the top shelf booze, I mean he was giving her absinthe and straight voddie shots, Jaegers, ouzo, you name it, and all his mates were cheering him on cos they knew he was in.

So later that romantic night Steve finally hit a home run, after he’d carried this chick back to his place and threw her on the couch. Because she was such a hardout Christian, Steve hadn’t even got a low five off her, so he was totally backed up, man, his balls were like a pumpkin. Anyway, that night when she passed out and he finally banged her, it was a BIG bang—such a massive bang that it crippled him—and that’s what made the world and trees and frogs and the volcano gods and stuff. So that’s why everything exists. Which is what the world is doing.

And that’s also why Christians are scared of getting fucked by Science.

Jesus’s wicked bbq skills gave God some tasty ideas on solar system design…


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