The usual writer for this column contracted swine flu and I’m not sure what he contracted it to do but it wasn’t a sub-contract to do this column

Type: Sparkling Wine

The swine flu thing got me thinking: is wine good for ill health?

Common sense tells me that downing a whole cask of County in 20 minutes is probably not good for that lingering case of chlamydia.

However, in moderation, apparently wine can have positive health effects. It is rich in antioxidants. Red wine is plentiful in these little beauties.

Scientists are usually sadistic fucks. Cutting animals up. Feeding them blue M&Ms till they explode, but some—like the ones in Brazil in 1996—give rabbits wine. FOR FREE!

The rabbits were feed with cholesteroly food and given red wine. The variables were red wine (with alcohol), Red wine (sans alcohol) and the control was water.

Guess which rabbits had most build up of fatty plaque on their hearts at the end of the experiment?

The ones that drank water.

Rabbits which drank alcoholic red wine were the healthiest. Fuck yeah.

So best thing you can do if you catch the swine flu, or perhaps even before you catch the swine flu, is to sit down with a big bucket of mulled red wine in front of the footy.

Imbibo ergo sum!