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September 28, 2009 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Sando says


I’m sick of being some columnist with no respect from the ladies or the laddies or the ladles. So from now on I am a hard-nosed investigative journalist, investigating stuff, okay? Okay, good. Here goes.


New Zealand’s John Key visited New York city last week. As you may or may not be aware his hotel had it [insert possessive apostrophe here] s water cut off, possibly because of refusing to pay the water bill. Unable to shower because of the sad state of his New York hotel, Mr Key had to walk, on foot, disguised as a regular bloke, in jeans and a t-shirt, to the Australian Embassy. While there he begged access to the shower. Sources report that it was hot, and at 142 degrees Fahrenheit AKA 61°C, they would be accurate. As a newspaper journalist man it would be improper to speculate upon what the most powerful political entity of New Zealand did in his shower. However, officials reported that it was pretty hot also—and rather quick. Which was a good thing, as many more people, including the Foreign Minister of New Zealand Murray McCully, were awaiting use of said shower. While Mr McCully’s shower wasn’t as well received, though it was noted that even he is not as attractive as Mr Key, he has very expressive eyebrows, and “What a voice! Am I right ladies‽” Yes.

Kiwi political analysts investigating Shower Gate believe it stepped up the relationship of New Zealand/Australia, as Mr Key was invited to keep a disposable head for the Australian Primeministorial mechanical toothbrush. Provided it was the blue one—Kevin likes the pink ones. Looking further afield, it was observed that noted communist Joseph Stalin did not bathe. So, by showering Mr Key sent a definite message of contempt towards the remaining communist countries like Cuba and supposedly China. Also, he smells refreshingly of Head & Shoulders, and Rexona for men. Yummy.


“I don’t care what they said at the door, those statues are plaster of paris. You can tell, because of the grainy whiteness.” Shane Holland should know because his mate Dave is a plasterer. Dave mainly does that 3-dimensional bird shit spackling effect you see on weather board houses in the burbs.

Holland intentionally missed the Terracotta Warriors exhibition—housed in Wellington last Summer—as he considered it unlikely at best the Chinese government would let the real terracotta warriors out of the country “because that shit’s fragile”. Holland decided to travel to China so as to see the other ones.

“You know what mate? There were a whole bunch of ‘em there.

“You know, I thought to myself, if I were to wander down Terracotta Street or whatever it’s called, there’ll be a billion copies of those statues, all better looking than the dudes at the Saint James. I mean, the proportions are all totally fucked,” he said.

Holland is right.

There are many replica souvenir stands surrounding China’s greatest archeological site—the Tomb of the First Qin Emperor, a UNESCO World Heritage Site. After confronting the English language tour personnel at the tomb he declared: “If they ain’t plaster then they look like they’re made out of fucking mud.”

As of today the Chinese are still reluctant to refund his admission fee to the site.

See, two stories down. I’m this close to being Judy Bailey. And I want to be her. She has great bone structure. Such great, great bone structure. One time I met her, it was awesome. (JOURNALISM FOR THE WIN)


About the Author ()

Nic Sando is a god amongst men, fifteen fathoms high he be, with strange and wyrd powers at his disposal. Only a fool won't harken his ears to the east when he hears The Sando man stumping his way.

Comments (4)

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  1. K says:

    You are a retard. The only apostrophe that goes between “it” and “s” is one which is abbreviating the term “it is”. This is not a possessive apostrophe.

  2. Hank Scorpio says:

    he was prob being ironic but hey k go away rainy day

  3. Mikey says:

    It’s been raining today. What’s that apostrophe abbreviating, huh K?

  4. smackdown says:

    k just got teh grammar’d

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