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October 5, 2009 | by  | in News | [ssba]

Girl touched by friend’s drunken birthday speech

The tears were flowing thick and fast by the time Hayley Hanson, 21, had finished hugging best friend Melissa Downs, 20, following the latter’s slurry and emotional birthday speech.

Downs was given the magnanimous honour of being the fifth speaker to talk about Hanson at her 21st birthday soirée at the Palmerston North Cossie Club last weekend.

The history and classics student from Wellington delivered what some have called a “pretty good” speech, which recalled a number of hilarious and wacky misadventures with Miss Hanson.

“Th-th-there was this…this fuck…this one time, oh my [hic] god, that Hayley had lock…locked herself in MY BEDROOM…with…with a certain French ex-ex-exchange student…” Downs began, spilling cask wine over her $30 Supree blouse.

“Yes you d-d-d-did, you ho! Don’t lie! I’m so…soooooo…soooorrry, Mr and Mrs Hanson… but your dau…dau…daughter went to the south of France at… at least THREE TIMES that night! Ahahaha!”

Despite repeated assurances from Hanson that Downs’ endless barrage of embarrassing recollections were purely fictional, the speechmaker insisted upon the contrary.

She underscored the veracity of her claims when she threw her glass in the air and declared “TURRRRN THE FUCKIN’ POWERPOINT ON!”

What then followed was a hastily slapped-together visual collage utilising a number of photos stolen off Hanson’s Facebook that depicted the birthday girl in a number of embarrassing—and therefore comical—situations.

“Lo-lo-look! EW HAYLEY, WHO’S YOUR BOYFRIEND?! AHAHAHA!” asked Downs sarcastically, regarding a photo of 9-year-old Hanson with her arm around a deceased uncle.

“You… you are such a tramp… you go hiking all the fuckin’ time, you bitch. But oh my god, I love you so much and I hope you have, like, the best ever birthday, eh!”

Hanson was understandably moved by her long-time friend’s tribute.

“Melissa’s been there since, like, I was in high school and got dumped by my first boyfriend. And, like, even though she’s so totally wasted up there, what she said was so beautiful, it made me, like, cry so hard,” Hanson said, fighting back more tears.

“She’s, like, so amazing, and so beautiful,” she noted, looking over at Downs, who at that exact moment had slipped in a puddle of Export Gold.

Expert in 21st birthday speeches, Dr Marcus Hensforth from Victoria University’s Department of Embarrassing Social Connections, categorised Downs’ speech as a fairly typical, albeit refreshing commentary on the short-term existence of Miss Hanson.

“By drawing attention to the birthday girl falling asleep on the couch with her mouth open in this photograph, the speechmaker is addressing the fact people sometimes look ridiculous when they’re sleeping,” Dr Hensforth said.

“This photograph of Hayley hugging Melissa in their pyjamas is indicative of the fact these two people have recently been asleep. There are a number of social mechanisms at play here, but what it really comes down to is the fact these two friends have spent time in each other’s company.”

Salient was unable to get comment from Doug and Judy Hanson, Hayley’s parents, as they had been coerced onto the dance floor by a squad of classy partygoers.

“Fuck, Hayley! I’m dancing with your dad! AHAHAHAHAHA!” yelled one guest across the room.


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Kia ora, biography box, kia ora.

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