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October 5, 2009 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Salient Muffins


The usual food writer gorged herself to death on some delicious treats—don’t worry though, Polly will be back next week—so we conducted a food experiment in the office.


The people who inhabit the Salient office like food and eat food regularly. Generally when they enjoy the food they’re consuming they let out coos of delight and become malleable to my will.


That if one takes all the food that Salienteers enjoy and combine it, you will have the most delicious food known to humankind, therefore placating the workers and ensuring editorial dominance.


1) Find out which food products the Salient team enjoy.

MJO: Salmon Teriyaki (one serving)
Mikey: Cassoulet (French White Bean Casserole) (1 bowl)
Sarah: Obama Sushi (4 pieces)
Guy Armstrong: Tropical Fruit Salad (1 bowl)
JJW: Chili Lime cashews (1 cup)
Rory: The trifle that Rachel made on that one Friends episode (the leftovers)
Rosabel: Cheerios (thousands of them) (Rosabel isn’t quite a Salienteer, but close enough that she needs to be dominated).

2) Purchase/make said food products

Salmon Teriyaki: Wagamama.
Cassoulet: Mikey’s fridge.
Obama Sushi: Tania Sawicki Mead once said she’d make some, so probably just hit her up.
Tropical Fruit Salad: Aisle three Chaffers New World.
Chili Lime cashews: Bulk Bins.
Trifle: Central Perk, I hear they make a really good one.
Cheerios: Any given butcher.

3) Take ingredients and place into an industrial blender.

4) Blend.

5) Poor out Salient mix into greased baking trays. Use cupcake holders if desired. Mix should make roughly 24 large… things.

6) Preheat oven to 180°C. Bake until golden brown.

7) Leave to cool in a place uninhabited by vermin or worm-infested first years.

8) Ice with the following recipe:

½ Cup cocoa powder
250 gms Cream cheese
¾ Cup icing sugar
1 Tbsp vanilla extract

Bring the cream cheese to room temperature. Beat it well using an electric mixer, until it becomes smooth and soft. Add sifted cocoa, icing sugar and vanilla extract. Mix it well, until it becomes fluffy and light.

9) Make some poor rube eat them.


Upon bringing these delicious treats into the Salient office, a random Londoner exclaims “By Jove. Awful pong, say what.”

Admittedly it did have a pungent aroma but that didn’t seem to deter Mikey and Guy, who started hoving into the muffins.

Sarah projectile vomits everywhere.

MJO and Rory are slightly more coy and break one in half, hesitantly taking small bites. Ambulances were immediately called.

The courier package never made it to Rosabel and Salient was extensively investigated by the SIS’s biological terrorism unit.


Always, always abide by Food Safety Standards and never ever combine two different fish products with Cheerios.

In some ways it worked. Complete control rested in the hands of the editor, who now has to write the entire magazine next week.


About the Author ()

The editor of this fine rag for 2009.

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