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October 12, 2009 | by  | in News | [ssba]

Stuff.co.nz Create Web of Lies

Bowie afraid of New Zealanders too

Fans are suing New Zealand news website Stuff.co.nz after being led to believe Da-vid Bo-wie, or simply ‘Package’, would headline Big Day Out 2010.

Last Tuesday, die-hard fans opened their email inboxes to find the first announcement did not contain the words “Bowie, David” and have since decided to sue the fuck out of those lying cheating stuff.co.nz bastards. Fans sent a clear message last week when photos of faecal matter, tagged ‘stuff.co.nz’ surfaced on several Facebook profiles. Fans of Bowie say that Stuff is very much like Wikipedia.

“If Stuff says it, it is fucking true!” yelled one enraged groupie.

Because of such disappointment, Counselling Services at Victoria are overwhelmed with a large proportion of the student body suffering from what they call “Acute Bowie Anxiety Disorder”.

Early symptoms include dressing up in tights, stuffing socks down your crotch, and singing ‘Dance Magic’ around Campus while trying to morph into an owl. More serious cases include individuals painting their faces to reassemble Ziggy Stardust with vocabulary being reduced to “Ziggy played… Guitaaaaaaaaaaar!”

“We’re doing what we can,” says a representative of Victoria Counselling Services, “But there are only so many times we can screen Labyrinth in one day!”

Accusing Stuff.co.nz of lying to the nation, infuriated fans formed the Bowie Brigade and enlisted the help of top attorney Harold Whitman at the initial hearing in Wellington’s High Court last Friday afternoon. Whitman arrived and sought out the free snacks, spending more of his time deciding between a blueberry or apple muffin than overlooking case notes.

“I just think everyone deserves a chance to get what they want. I wanted a muffin and let me tell you, this is a tasty muffin. Try the apple,” Whitman continues, “The point is stuff.co.nz said Bowie would be coming. But is he…? No seriously, is he? I have no idea. Shit, let me check my notes… Nope, he’s not.”

As far as Whitman was concerned, this was an open and shut case in favour of the Bowie Brigade, but when neither party bothered to show up in court, the case was thrown out just before teatime.

The Bowie Brigade nor stuff.co.nz were available for comment. 

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  1. Bowie says:

    You, my friend, are hilaaaarious.

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