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October 12, 2009 | by  | in News | [ssba]

VUWSAAR installs RADICAL coin-operated surfboard ride to woo back Sam Oldman

In what’s being described as a masterstroke of ingenuity not seen from a student association since… well… ever, VUWSAAR has invested in a $20,000 coin-operated surfboard ride in a bid to bring back one of its most strident of critics.

Former VUSWAAR Camping Officer Sam Oldman resigned his post in a fit of blossom-cheeked rage last month, saying the association had lost its radical mojo.

The claim launched a number of spontaneous Google Image searches for the word “radical” from VUSWARR General Store Manager Shark McFireher.

Speaking to Salient for the first time in recorded memory, McFireher announced the findings of his Google search.

“Ahh, ‘tis was a sight t’behold!” McFireher said.

“There under the shade of Gougal sat a pretty wee pot of gold of a JPEG. ‘Twas of a surfer from Cali-for-ni-a surfin’ some ‘radical’ waves, to be sure.”

From there in, appropriate arrangements were made. The VUWSAAR Exec unanimously approved the quote for a deluxe surfboard, imported from St. Luke’s Mall in Auckland.

VUWSAAR President Tasman Dismantle hoped the new ride would be enough to bring the passionate young socialist guitar solo of a REVOLUTIONIST back into the VUWSAAR fold.

“We need people like Sam Oldman,” Dismantle said.

“VUWSAAR hopes he’ll find it in his heart—his radical, fiery heart—to put down the A3 Xerox protest banner, and soothe his soul by riding some BODACIOUS COWABUNGA KICKASS GNARY WAVES, DUDE.


Oldman, however, was coy about reversing his resignation and climbing back on board.

Speaking to the Vee Bee Sea, Oldman had difficulty conveying his side of the story.

“Hello…hello, Ryan? Are you there? All I hear is crackling… there’s a lot of crackling on the line here—sorry, what was that? We’re not on air yet? Oh, we are on air? I thought you were meant to be playing an ad. You did play an ad? Why didn’t you tell me? Oh, so I’m on air now, Ryan? Wait, I’m not? You’re playing some Shocking Pinks EP right now? Just how… how long will that take? About 45 minutes? Ryan? Ryan? Are you there? Ryan? Ryan? Ryan?” Oldman said.

Radical guitar-soloing shit-eating-grin-wearing SOCIALIST DINOSAUR OF A CRAPITALIST NIGHTMARE Alistair Heath told the Vee Bee Sea that he hoped Oldman wouldn’t go back on his word.

“When the moon shadows the earth, and the revolution—that glorious revolution led by Ron Shanks and us somewhat-educated unshaven Marxist Monsters—arrives, Sam Oldman can have all the surfboard machines he wants… riding the wave…to freedom,” Heath said.

“Did you… did you get that, Ryan? Hello? Hello, Ryan? I’m getting a shitload of static here. Hello? Do you guys wanna call me back on another line? Hello? All I can hear now is an Interpol song. Have you stopped talking to me? Oh now I can’t even hear that… are you even still on the air?” he asked.

Reaction was mixed from Victoria’s student body to the new surfboard machine.

“So, lemme get this straight. They went out and bought a surfboard machine because the guy on $100,000 a year couldn’t ascertain what Oldman meant by the term ‘radical’? Fuck, I don’t care if it sounds like a venereal disease, gimme VSM!” said one student.

“Oh yeah, nah, I like surfing. I surf all day and all night sometimes. Surf’s up with some sweet Jack Johnson? Radical, man, radical,” said another.

ACT The Fool on Campus Vice-President, Chairman, Treasurer, Gunslinger, Blogger, Photocopier, and Social Club President, Milkshakes McCaffeine, said the purchase was just another knife in the back for universal student membership.

“I can’t wait until they burn the Student Union Building down, to be frank,” McCaffeine said.

“Though I can’t say here or there what should happen to its charred remains. I mean, the market could very well want those charred remains to stay there as a kind of reminder to all those who doubt VSM—you don’t have the choice to doubt us, motherfucker.”

McCaffeine was unable to offer much of a response to Oldman and Heath’s coments on the radio.

“I’m literally standing outside the office and I can’t pick the signal up, so how am I supposed to know what’s being said?” he lamented.

The surfboard machine is available for use between 9am and 5pm Monday through Friday to anyone with a spare 20 cent coin.


About the Author ()

Kia ora, biography box, kia ora.

Comments (8)

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  1. verity salmond-mclennan says:

    and we wonder why evryone think’s Salient is a waste of $$$. Roll on VSM. Sam Oldham’s too decent to be involved with VUWSA. A total mess – probably the worst year ever.

  2. smackdown says:

    this is obv about sam oldman someone very different u should learn to read ive got some ace books 4 u the best books i only read whats best

  3. JimJam says:

    So this shit costs us $200 000 a year?

  4. Hank Scorpio says:

    hey remember when sam oldham promised he’d get rid of shit food on campus then got bored of that because vuwsa wasn’t radical enough

    also salient costs $200,000 a year but it won bst pub at the aspa awards so i guess it’s better than the rest

    also cry about it $200,000 a year ahahaha students crying students with issues

  5. smackdown says:

    man imagine being a student and crying over how much money salient gets man what kind of oily douche would whinge about that they prob belong in a zoo

  6. JimJam says:

    It’s very simple: if you create something of value, people happily pay for it. The reason why Salient must be free is that it has no value.

  7. Matt says:


  8. smackdown says:

    JimJam is so dense oughta be used as insulation so dense

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