We got this irrepressible urge to throw fruit. We couldn’t help ourselves. Causing mess has to be a favourite pastime of ours. It should be a favourite pastime of yours too. So this week, at an undisclosed location, Salient rates the best fruits to throw from a height to cause splatter and mess.

Persimmon 3/10

Our first fruit was not very “splatty”, according to judges’ notes. But it cracked in half “which was exciting”.

Plum 1/10

We had expected the plum to be a bit splodey, so were disappointed when it bounced. It BOUNCED! And then it rolled away. Even a second test failed to make it explode, but it did get a crack in it.

Kiwifruit 1/10

We thought the kiwifruit, too, would be a messy fruit. Our sample may have been a bit hard. It rolled about five metres, which was impressive at the time, but was quickly beaten by other, more ambitious fruits.

Apple 4/10

The apple “got a bit smashed up”, according to the judges. It also managed to roll about ten metres. It made a fun noise when it hit the ground.

Mandarin 6/10

All the judges’ notes for this said was “splatter!!” Pretty impressive then.

Orange 7/10

The orange made “an awesome mess” (like a poo explosion, almost, but less poo), and rolled about four metres.

Grapes 5/10

Dropping a bunch of grapes was just a bit ridiculous. While a few individual grapes got a bit messed up, others just came off the branch and rolled around the undisclosed location, making it easier for us to escape baddies on rollerskates.

Tomato 0/10

The tomato was the day’s biggest disappointment. It cracked. That was all. Fuck you, tomato.

Watermelon 10/10

Easily the best of these fruits was the watermelon. We kept it inside its cosy New World Metro plastic wrap, but it still managed to explode beyond its plasticy constraints. Good effort.