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August 2, 2010 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Ask Candy Badger

Candy Badger is Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at candy.b.badger@gmail.com.

Dear Candy Badger,
I met this guy in Maya, he bought me a jagerbomb so I agreed to go back to his villa. I woke up the next day to find I am now part of a human centipede, what should I do?
Regards,
Stuck in the middle

Dear Buttmunch,
Never take a Jägerbomb from a stranger! I’ve never even had one ever in my laif to avoid running into problems like yours.
Don’t worry though, there is a bright side: You coulda been the end of the centipede. Then you’d be eating everyone’s poos, and no one would eat yours. Boo hoo. Also, you have access to the internet and can therefore Facebook chat with me. (Add me! Candy Badger’s the name!)
Also, the middle survives in the movie so maybe you will too. Best of luck. I hope the villa is well insulated/not in Aro Valley/you have a big centipede poncho.
Best wishes,
Candy

Hi Candy Badger,
My name is Candy Badger too, from Manitoba Canada. Thanks for the great articles, I tell all my friends that I wrote them and take all the credit, haha!
Keep up the good work!
Candy Badger

Dear Candy,
Last time I checked, you were writing this column and I was passing it off as my own. Now I’m weally confused.
?
Also Candy Badger

Dear Candy Badger,
I think my flatmate is in love with me. He keeps getting drunk and Facebook messaging me from the next room over about how he loves ‘someone’ and it’s a ‘bad idea’ then refusing to say who it is. Trouble is I don’t like him and now I feel like I’m constantly being watched in my own home. All I want is to never change out of my pajamas and to spill food on myself unnoticed!

Help!

Dear Help!
You’re so vain, you probably think his Facebook messages are about you, but they’re so totally about your hot friend, the one who gets all the boys and makes you feel lonely and ugly and insignificant. He likes her more than he likes you because of your messy pants, and because the crusted-up ice cream near the crotch looks like semen.
Once they get together, you won’t have to talk to him online anymore. You’ll be sung to sleep by their rooting noises.
Or maybe he does like you, in which case you should either a) pash his face or b) probably move out. Or a) then b). Happens to the best of us.
Thanks for writing,
Candy

[ssba]

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