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August 9, 2010 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Salient rates: Fortunes

I made my sister go and buy me some fortune chocolates from Iko Iko. I told her I’d pay her back. To be honest, I probably won’t. But I did give her a book in exchange. So nice of me—she just has to review it now. She was instructed to buy eight fortune chocolates. And she did. Here in the code-share Salient-VBC office, we devoured the chocolates and rated our fortunes. Some of them were pretty crap to say the least. But please read on.

“Someone will return a favour” 2/10

Judge’s comment was “boring”. Returning a favour is simply common sense. If you don’t return a favour, you’re an asshole. You may also find you don’t have many friends.

“The seeds you sow today, are your trees of the future” 7/10

Cheesy metaphors are always deserving of a relatively high rating. Points were deducted due to incorrect placement of a comma.

“You will enjoy success” 10/10

Any kind of success is good success. To get such a successful fortune is a great success, therefore this is deserving of a 10 out of 10. Success!

“Time to make some changes” 1/10

Fuck off.

“Time to make some changes” 0/10

Fuck off again.

“You will find a faithful and constant friend” 4/10

I asked a friend for their first thought when presented with this fortune. “It sounds like a dog,” was her response. Does this mean I’m getting a puppy for Christmas?

“People will look towards you for leadership and advice” 3/10

Someone was asking me for advice today. Serious advice. Only I didn’t take it very seriously. I had to put on my serious face. But while putting on my serious face, I started giggling hysterically about how ridiculous the notion of putting on a ‘serious face’ was. I am usually capable of providing serious advice, but it just so happened that the situation was mildly farcical, given I was being asked to provide legal advice to a law student. Hmm.

“To know you is to love you” 9/10

Awwwwwwwwww. It’s just so nice and mushy, bordering on lame, it is wholly deserving of a nine outta ten. So I’m in love with everyone I know? Or is it like “know” as in you know, “knoooow”?


About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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