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August 16, 2010 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

This is your fault, Ross Geller

It is understood that once you are in a reasonable state of consciousness in the morning, you check your emails. While most of them are updates from Facebook or spam suggesting herbal enhancers, occasionally an email with an innovative subject line will find its way through to your account. Last Tuesday was such a morning and I found myself staring at a message titled ‘holy fuck shit’.

With an overactive imagination, and still half asleep, ‘holy fuck shit’ led my brain to the extremes of zombie apocalypse, or the ability to clone dinosaurs—which will happen one
day, mark my words. But after reading the linked article and learning the Triceratops never existed, I ascertained ‘holy fuck shit’ was an acceptable lead-in.

As it turns out, Triceratops is an immature form of a Torosaurus, which is ‘palaeontology’ for some dinosaur we couldn’t give a rat’s ass about. Seriously, Torosaurus sounds like a dance move combining arm flailing and ghetto stomping, reserved for tragic spinsters at their cousins’ wedding. But scientists have realised the Triceratops’ skull shape shifts, or for all you Poké-masters out there, ‘evolves’, into the skull of an adult Torosaurus, a three-horned less-than-amazing Triceratops. Scientists are basing this knowledge on the fact no juvenile fossils of Torosaurus have been uncovered.

Dear palaeontologist, a word of advice: might I suggest digging deeper before taking my Triceratops? It was a pretty crappy thing to do. Even Microsoft Word doesn’t recognise
‘Torosaurus’. I think you may have your facts wrong. Windows XP aside, Bill Gates is nothing if thorough… Sort of. Also, I imagine you look like Ross Geller so if you’re ‘on a break’, don’t take it out on Triceratops.

A glorious, prehistoric beast, the Triceratops was best known to children as that arrogant jaundice three-horn ‘Cera’ from The Land Before Time. You know, that one that acted as the fun police and crushed the dreams of her fellow adventurers en route to the Great Valley. Despite Littlefoot’s mother saving her ass, Cera was still a righteous mole. After sitting through umpti-billion Land Before Time sequels, prequels, and tragic spin-offs, I take great pleasure in the fact she no longer exists. Shame Spielberg, that’s what you get for failing to clone dinosaurs after Jurassic Park. You’ve had over a decade. We want some action here, pal.

But like so many other items ripped away from us by science, evolution, and all things politically correct, the Triceratops is the latest casualty in what I am convinced is a war against our childhood. It starts small, the first casualty being red-tipped cigarette Spaceman Candy Sticks. But oh no, this wasn’t enough and soon escalated with some ass-tronomist just having to snatch away Pluto.

Let’s look on the bright side though, dinosaurs evolve like Pokémon and Littlefoot, the Brontosaurus that could, has finally his revenge on Spielberg.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, the Brontosaurus isn’t real either!?


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