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October 4, 2010 | by  | in Online Only | [ssba]

Academic Idol: the final round

If you were going to commit a crime, which one would it be and how would you justify it to the public? (if you get caught)

Bonus question: Capybaras—yay or nay?

The final two. Crunch time. It’s Marc versus Dean. Dean versus Marc. Will the psychological defeat the legal? Or will it be the other way around? It’s in your hands. You know what to do. 027 CUSTARD or by 5pm Thursday. Can we get more votes than the VUWSA general election? Only time will tell.

Who will it be, Victoria University?

Dean Knight, Law
C’mon! You can’t ask a legal academic that question. We believe in the Rule of Law! Well, perhaps. Maybe. Or maybe only one or two of the different conceptions of the Rule of Law… Anyways, the whole point about being a smarty-pants lawyer is we know what’s illegal and what’s not. And we know how to argue about the grey areas in order to avoid being convicted. No need to justify anything if you don’t commit the crime.

  • Parking in a loading zone (Land Transport (Road User) Rule 2004, r 6.4)—not a crime after 6pm, unless the sign says “At All Times”.
  • Urinating in a public place (Summary Offences Act 1981, s 32)—not a crime if you reasonably believe no-one can see you.
  • Drinking booze in a liquor ban zone (Local Government Act 2002, s 147)—the Police first have to analyse and prove the liquor is more than 1.15% strong.
  • Stealing a baby’s identity to get a false passport (Tough on Crime Act 2010, s23)—you’re immune if you’re a member of the Sensible Sentencing Trust.
  • Breaching any law of the land in the name of the earthquake recovery effort (Canterbury Earthquake Response and Recovery Act 2010, s 6)—not if you have a note excusing you written by Lord Gerry VIII…

And Capybaras? Meh. I have no opinion. I have no beef with big rodents that swim in water. But, really, is that the last word from the Island of Academic Idol? Capybaras? Sigh.

Marc Wilson, Psychology
I will… “Dun dun dun” (as Salient Sarah is fond of saying)… STEAL ACADEMIC IDOL, muahahaha! Why? Because life is too short, and I’ve always fancied heist movies.

Everyone wants it, so this will need to be the perfect crime. First I shall need to get myself an alibi, and that means crafting a lifesize statue of myself out of old Salients. After cunningly seating this in Galleria (bye Perry, sniff!) with a manly hazelnut latte bowl at hand to throw the authorities off my scent, I shall pull together my ‘crew’. David O’Donnell will be Gleen, um, I mean keen, and Trundle will do anything as long as I promise a quick mention of The Iliad. We’ll hide out in the tuatara enclosure til lights out, and sneak into the Salient offices, past the briefcase-wielding Dark/Dean Knight (Pondy will be tucked away in the computer labs trying to hack into the Salient cellphone). It’ll be no trouble at all to grab the Idol, and then off to the staff club for a quick one. But what’s that? The lights come on and Grant Morris steps out of the shadows, guitar in hand. “That should have been mine in 2006,” he giggles hysterically. Close-up on twitching left eye, and fade to black. A cliff hanger ending for Academic Idol series two. Tune in next time to have your questions answered, and by that I mean even more slightly-too-try-hard answers to inane questions. What happens next? Will Bruce Campbell save the day? Do we even care, and what do we actually get for this anyway? Do you know how many journal articles we could have written instead of these answers…

Capybaras—we breed them on the 7th floor of Easterfield dontchaknow. Need bigger mazes than for the rats though. Them’s mighty good eating too.


About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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