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October 11, 2010 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Ask Candy Badger

This is my last column of the year slash ever. BOO HOO!!!! Love you all lots and fanks for reading!
Kisses 4evah!

Hi Candy,

So there’s this girl I’m trying to impress, she’s coming over to dinner Friday with her friend 3rd Wheel (3rd Wheel invited them over), and maybe some other people. Anyway, what should I cook? And how can I ditch the others? Hope you can help!!

Top Chef

P.S. I saw a badger the other day, maybe you know him/her? S/he was stuffed and posing at a taxidermy shop.

Hello Top Chef!

Fuck I hate those third wheels. So awkward. Tonight I had dinner with Salient’s designer and editor and one of them was the third wheel. Or maybe I was the third wheel. One of us was definitely a third wheel and it was SO AWKWARD OMG none of us could pash at Scopa.

My best advice in this situation is generally to make an obstacle course, kinda like on Wipeout, but possibly with very poisonous snakes and penguins, and then whoever survives that gets dinner. Hopefully that includes your date. Then give everyone except yourself food poisoning but hold your date’s hair back while she spews and then you’ll win her heart and everyone will learn an icky lesson about third-wheeling.

Candy B!
PS That’s my mum :( :( :( :(

Dearest Candy,

My friends keep telling me I’m an alcoholic but I can stop whenever I want. I just don’t want to.

How do I make them leave me alone? Should I throw bottles at them?

Sue Denim

Dear Sooz,

Do you wear double denim? ZOMG the other night I scored a guy wearing double denims. I didn’t really realise but then my friend reminded me the other day and I was like SHAME. He’s pretty babein though, I’m torn.

Don’t worry about your friends. Just get drunk and make friends with trees. They don’t hate.


I have always wondered what the “B” stands for in your middle name. But I digress.

I told my friend i’d go running with her, and it was fine to start with but now she always wants to run uphills
and sprint and what not. I’m so not into Wellingtons hills. If I die because she makes me run up aro valley again can I sue her? Or get someone to sue for me (cos i’ll be dead). Please help me. Our relationship is on the rocks and I really don’t want to have to go back to student counselling cos last time we did that together they thought we were a couple when we are actually just running buddies (which got awkward because I lived with her brothers friend last year who liked her but wouldn’t date her and ended up pashing my sister instead. See? Awkward.)


Dear No Name,

Fuck I hate hills. Please don’t run up a hill. Feign a broken leg instead or, even better, actually break your leg. I walked up a hill the other day, all the way from town to the Botanic Gardens. It was fucking insane. But it’s the only way to live a life based on Scopa margherita pizza, Milky Bars and beer and not be a rhinobadgero-saurus. Also, you may want to ask a real lawyer about sueing but I’d say it’s worth a try. I didn’t make it past first year law though. Shame.


PS The ‘B’ is just coz is taken. I wonder how many emails meant for me she’s received this year. Everyone should email her and apologise!


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