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October 4, 2010 | by  | in News | [ssba]

Report: Students Disillusioned with The Big Kumara

Small potatoes deemed to be equally as enjoyable

Famous Wellington student bar The Big Kumara seems to have lost loyal support from a number of students recently.

The bar’s manager approached Salient early last week with concerns about the rapidly dropping average number of patrons. According to staff, The Big Kumara just “isn’t the place it used to be”.

“We’ve noticed the bar is often much emptier than it normally is, and there just isn’t that, you know, vibe—that smell of teen spirit.”

Salient sent a number of staffers to the bar on its famous half-price Wednesday to investigate whether these claims were true. All reported noticing something different about the bar upon entry.

“It was just… weird. Like some sort of ghost town. When there’s no one in there, it’s just sort of creepy, to be honest.”

Staff found no students vomiting in the toilet, no one dancing on the pole, no players on the safari game and most of the surfaces weren’t even sticky.

Upon leaving however, a number of Salienteers encountered problems.

“When we looked like we were about to leave the staff started going all funny. Like, staring at us and moving towards the door… I think one was sobbing, actually.”

The Salient staffers were forced to stay for another hour before they could leave without invoking a reaction from Big Kumara staff.

“Yeah, I thought it was going to be awful staying there. But the drinks… they’re just so fucking cheap!

“Sure it’s a bit shit, but cheap drinks, man!”

The Big Kumara’s manager has said bar staff are looking at a number of ways to increase numbers and return the bar to its former glory.

“We’d like to increase fun, educational and recreational events at the bar. We’re currently looking into a number of classier events, such as wet t-shirt nights and jelly-wrestling—you know, events for all ages.”


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Comments (9)

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  1. Hayley says:

    The week that wasn’t is widely known as a fake source of ‘news’. Therefore it is hardly actionable as a claim of slander, or defamation as it is known in good ol’ NZ. Unfortunately this comment probably is…
    Check yo’ self.

  2. Keegan says:

    Wow, taking things a bit seriously aren’t we Jonno… Lucky students don’t go to the Big K for your sense of humour.

  3. Matt says:

    seems to me the bigk is playing along with the article and taking the piss, just sayin.

  4. smackdown says:

    oh the “we get it’s a joke and here’s an equally jokey reply to emphasise how much of the aforementioned joke we got (because we understand jokes)” response


  5. Shitkicker says:

    see you guys at the small potato tonight?

  6. smackdown says:

    big fries at the small potato

  7. smackdown says:

    harry potter fan fiction

  8. Jordman says:

    Hayley’s my dawg.

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