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October 11, 2010 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

We’re pleased to bring you horoscopes by Uther Dean

Predictions for next year. Organised by the First Letter of your First name.

A You will not wear hats at all next year. You will develop an allergy to covering your scalp. This will play havoc with your ongoing conversion to Sikhism.

B You need to start a vegetable garden next year. The apocalypse is coming soon and you’ll need some noms.

C You need to stop cracking your knuckles next year. Otherwise you will do it one time too many and snap off your fingers like frozen matchsticks.

D You need to learn to speak to animals. No human will want to speak to you after what you get up to on New Year’s Eve.

E You will spend a lot of next year licking windows clean. Your tongue will quickly become sodden with dust and regret.

2011 will be a year of transition for you. Due to a failed science experiment you will make the transition from man to capybara.

Next year, you will begin to learn that you can actually appreciate things unironically. You will drop the shroud of sneers that hangs over your head like a dying carpet ghost. You don’t just have to like things because they’re shit, y’know?

Next year, you will learn that you deserve all that comes your way. You are not as unworthy as you think you are.

I You will hug more people next year. This, sadly, will lead to profound dependency issues and you will die alone, having forced everyone who ever cared about you away.

J Next year is a time of real change for you. It is the second shift in your life. You’ve been so used to having your future mapped out for you and that there is now some doubt frightens you. This is good. Uncertainty is potential and you have more than enough of that. Now you just need to do something.

K Text back faster.

Next year will all be about colliding worlds. Former separated spheres of your existence will collide. Like worlds. Like in When Worlds Collide.

M Next year, you will learn to stand up for yourself. Your thoughts are powerful. Like Listerine. Let them wash out the world with your braveness.

N All your sweat will turn into golden showers of excellence next year. Yellow sprays of achievement will drown your doubts.

O You develop a gambling addiction over the course of next year. It will start with the odd flutter but will soon snowball into a fully-fledged dragon of an addiction. You’ll sell your face for just one more jab at the gee-gees.

P Next year, the closure of Youtube will drastically increase your productivity.

Q You will go to New York next year where fewer people will persecute you.

R Next year? It’s gonna be like this year. Just like this year.

S Once you stop equating respect with control, next year will get a lot better.

T Enjoy summer next year because everything after that is going to be mildly disappointing. Like a not-fully-boiled kettle.

U No more horoscopes.

V Next year you will start dressing like a man more often.

W You will meet a tall dark stranger. They’ll be pretty nice. You’ll be friends but it’ll never really move beyond that, poisoning the next few years of your life with a desperate ennui, wishing for what could have been.

X Read Proust.

Y You are going to die. Not next year. Just at some point.

You need to mow the lawn.


About the Author ()

Uther was one of the two arts editors in 2009. He was the horoscopier and theatre writer in 2010. Alongside Elle Hunt, Uther was coeditor in 2011.

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