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February 28, 2011 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Ask Constance 01

As a first year, I became ‘friendly’ with a women who frequented my local. We had an unspoken agreement that if we both failed to find someone for the night, we would be each others backup plan. Fearing that I was leading her on I broke things off. She later threatened to kill me in the middle of Mighty Mighty, but that’s what you get for being in Mighty Mighty in the first place.

My question is: Can a ‘friends with benefits’ scenario ever really work?
From Karl

Karl, let’s call you Beardface. You have a beard, right? It’s the death threats and Mighty Mighty that make me feel it from here.

Most ‘Friends With Benefits’ scenarios end badly, but not too many of them end with death threats. So congrats. I suppose you can turn up The Arcade Fire and puff out your check-shirted chest for that one.
When I say FWB arrangements usually end badly, it’s because you don’t usually fuck people more than once unless you like them on some level. If you’re friends to start with, then there’s something that’s attracting you to them even at that platonic level, so getting naked is obviously going to blur some lines. For me, the keys to successful FWB arrangements lie in a couple of things:

1. What’s your soppy shit trigger?
Identify what makes you go weak at the knees when lovereyes and you are hanging out. For me, it’s cuddling. I only cuddle with people I want to date long-term. If I am fucking you for shits and giggles, after we’ve had some sweaty fun you will not cuddle, spoon, nuzzle or hold hands with me. We will exchange pleasantries and you will leave. When I’ve blurred the line cuddling with people I’m unsure I want to get my romance on with (or with people who didn’t want to get their romance on with me) shit has gotten messy. So what is your soppy shit trigger? It might be listening to music (The National or Bat For Lashes eh, Beardface?) or talking all night. Anything that you only do with people you actually want to be in a relationship with. For some people, it’s sex. Deep down, no matter how hard they try to be cool just fucking the sexyspecialfriend they actually want to date, they’re a bit broken by the whole thing. Get to know what your soft spots are and admit them to yourself and nakedfriend, and don’t do them unless you’re prepared to cross a line.

2. Communicate, Beardface.
You had an ‘unspoken’ agreement she was your backup plan? Because most people just love being backup plans. She shouldn’t have got her oddball knickers in a death threat twist, but maybe being clear from the start that all you wanted was sex and discussing what she wanted might have clarified shit? Talk it out next time. Before you stick it in.

If you want to date someone, don’t settle for less. If you want to just fuck someone, don’t get caught up in more—be honest. And shave your damn beard.

Peace,

Constance Cravings

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  1. Clement McBigglewaddle says:

    Where can I write in to this delightful trollop? That way I can pretend like I have sex.

  2. aw says:

    CC can be found at http://www.askconstance.com (NSFW), and on fb (also probably NSFW).

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