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February 28, 2011 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Be a Lover, Not a Stalker

In the throes of love, dizzy from pheromones and anxiety, the line between romantic and creepy can sometimes be a little hard to distinguish. Standing outside the object of one’s affection’s window at night with boom box held high may seem romantic, but in reality – unless you’re John Cusack – it could be perceived as a little stalk-y. Is what you see Edward doing to Bella in Twilight films romantic? No, it’s stalk-y.

For all you young lovers out there, and just in time for Valentine’s Day, let’s clarify where that line is.

Lovers Stalkers
Declare their love in person after a whirlwind romance. Declare their love on Facebook after a one-night stand.
Write songs about their love to strum to their lovers before bedtime. Write anonymous letters signed off with a mixture of lipstick, saliva and glitter.
Meet at strategic locations for a kiss (and maybe a grope) between lectures. Change their majors so they never have to be more than three metres away from the object of their affection.
Make mix CDs to express their feelings. Make shrines of assorted goods belonging to lovers, included stray pubes and lost student ID cards.
Wear their best shirts to meet the parents over a family dinner. Turn up on the parents’ doorstep uninvited, make good with Mum and spend hours pouring over baby photos.
Take their lovers to the SPCA to choose a bunny rabbit together. Leave a bunny rabbit boiling on the stove.
Snuggle in the back row at the movies. Sit three rows behind lovers at movies with night vision goggles on.
Leap in front of speeding, out-of-control cars to push lovers to safety. Leap out of bushes to surprise lovers at night-time.
Know when the relationship has reached its natural expiration date, and promise to remain friends. Promise they’ll never love another, but try to be understanding about the restraining order they have been issued.

So remember all that, and think a little before you make the approach – no matter how it feels inside, just take a few deep breaths and try to be your most normal self. Remember, you are a person of great value, wit and charm, and that shirt looks really good on you.


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