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March 21, 2011 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

The Week That Wasn’t – Class Representative “Entirely Useless” Large Rodent

A large unidentifiable rodent has been appointed class representative for the 11 o’clock stream of HIST 226—‘The History of Salt’. This unprecedented nomination has come as the direct result of an absence of any other competition for the role.

Lecturer Mark Holding threatened the class that he would appoint said large, unidentifiable rodent, which he has named Karate-Chop, if nobody put himself or herself forward for the job.

“I even told them about the class rep scholarship but they all just sat there like gormless mannequins. So I told them, ‘Well fine, if no one wants to do it, I’ll just give my buddy Karate-Chop here the job and we can wait and see how well he does at responding to emails.’ I made him an email account but I’m not going to bloody check it,” said Holding bitterly, stroking his furry companion.

Students were assured that his email address,, is a legitimate account, that he regularly checks the account and would do his best to reply to all messages, and that he is definitely a student at Victoria.

Student reaction to Chop’s election has been overwhelmingly a resigned sort of negative.

“I’m furious! I’ve emailed the little fuck twice about the slides not being on blackboard and haven’t heard anything yet. But yeah, I suppose we did have it coming, I just really, really didn’t want to put my hand up,” said Pearl Carrisson.

“Yeah, well, I had a feeling he was going to do it, I just didn’t want people to think I was ‘that guy’, so I kept my head down,’ confessed Alan Miller. “But then I went to talk to him after class, because I’m not comfortable talking to the lecturer but he just sort of snuffled around in the corner; he’s entirely useless.”

Karate-Chop’s exact species has yet to be confirmed, with guesses ranging from ‘big rat’ and capybara, to ‘very little bear’.


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