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March 28, 2011 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

The Week That Wasn’t – Kelburn Campus Construction Causes Confusion

Second year cartography student Sandra Bbits was found trapped in a large mason jar in Easterfield building over the weekend. The 19-year-old, majoring in Maps and Haircuts, confused by the detours and blocked off corridors caused by renovations to the quad, took a wrong turn and ended up on fourth floor of Easterfield inside the jar which had been tipped on its side.

“I was trying to get to my lecture in Maclaurin last Friday and there was… there used to be a shortcut! I just can’t figure out how I got here,” Bbits said.
Campus security were called to the scene 17 hours after the incident when nearby professor of Etiquette Chris Sullivan was alerted to the sound of the student’s ghostly wails.
Since the beginning of campus renovations there have been similar reports, with one student inadvertently finding himself tutoring a maths class in Easterfield, and another in a two-hour long queue, ostensibly for a computer lab, which actually ended at the door of an empty broom closet.

Bbits may face disciplinary action once she is released from her cylindrical glass prison; currently, however, rescue workers are developing a course of action to release the luckless student.

“Well, the problem is that the poor thing’s gotten herself trapped in there, and the initial shock of being stuck must’ve been so much that she’s gone and cried herself into a small pond. Now normally this wouldn’t be an issue but the tears have pooled around her legs causing her entire lower half to swell.

“We’ve got her partly out, but because of the swelling we’ve come across something of a ‘Winnie the Pooh’ situation where she’s stuck halfway in, halfway out, and some of the workers have asked her to hold a large pot with ‘hunny’ scribbled across the front for a few novelty snaps,” reported Awkward Situations Search and Escape Squad representative Rebecca Poorch.

“And we can’t smash the jar because good mason jars like this are just so damn hard to come by. Think of the chutneys we could use this for!”


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