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May 16, 2011 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

The Week That Wasn’t – Chris Being Total D-Bag, “Doesn’t Even Deserve” Ella

Chris defends himself—oh my god, that is so typical of Chris

Reports confirmed this week that Chris is an “absolute shit boyfriend” and that “Ella is way too good for his raggedy-ass”.

Salient spoke to Ella Middleton’s representation, Jess Hornby and Lauren Miller, at the back of a first-year International Relations lecture, who were able to confidently assert that Chris Lillibang is being a “total d-bag” and “just, honestly, such a dick”, in regards to his two-month long relationship with Middleton.

“He totally cheats on her! We think so, at least. And probably with real skanks, like the really, really gross skanks—you know the type. God, he is such an ass. And he dresses like suuuch a loser. It is unbelievable,” claimed Hornby.

“Ew, yes. He has this gross hat, and I just want to be like, what? Why? Seriously, Chris, what are you even up to. We definitely think he cheats on her… he probably does, just look at him. Yuck. Yuuuuuck,” concurred Miller.

Prior investigation has yielded mixed opinions on the matter. One poll, which surveyed 200 Te Puni Village residents, found that 27 per cent felt that Chris was a massive sleazeball. 21 per cent weren’t sure but thought that Chris might have copped a feel, either in town or while hanging out in someone’s room; 18 per cent thought that Chris was a creep but Ella’s a total slut so it doesn’t really matter; 16 per cent were certain that Chris had copped a feel, either in town or while hanging out in someone’s room; and an astonishing 13 per cent didn’t know who either Chris or Ella were. Only 1 per cent thought that Chris was a really sweet guy who treated Ella like a princess.

Chris responded to these allegations with an official statement: “Look, Ella’s a nice girl, but we aren’t going out. I don’t want to be tied down; I’m a first-year student at Te Puni, I’m just here to get as much action as I can.

“I like Ella but there are so many girls out there just waiting to be hit on by a dude like me.”

Since releasing his statement, Chris has been asked by two of Ella’s friends to stop touching their arses at Hope Bros. He has also been overheard referring to Ella, on numerous occasions, as his girlfriend.


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