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September 12, 2011 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Peas & Queues – Fleeing the scene of a one-night stand

Ah, the one-night stand. It’s a Kiwi classic. There’s something about our heady mix of sexual repression and enthusiasm for binge-drinking that makes us ripe for the one-night stand picking.

For many in our ranks, it’s even the preferred way of starting what may turn out to be a meaningful relationship*.
Unfortunately, more often than not, it’s not the beginning of something beautiful. Come the light of day, one can be shocked to find last night’s fox is actually more of a dog, and worse, that you’re no longer the hottest person in the room, just the most in need of a hot shower.

In the above conditions, exiting the scene of the one-night stand can be, um, less than dignified. A few tips to make that walk of shame more of an ordinary dawdle home…
Your instinct may be to flee the scene without waking the sleeping beauty. I’m not suggesting you rattle them awake and demand they talk about their feelings/intentions, but consider waking them up to have a grown-up conversation. A cup of tea, a debrief on the night’s events, a ‘catch you round’. It’ll make you feel a lot more like you just had sex with a buddy and everyone feels good about it and goes home happier.

Ladies. We can tell it’s a walk of shame by your smeared eye make-up and the fact that you’re wearing heels at 8am on a Sunday. It always pays to have a pack of eye make-up removal wipes and a pair of jandals/Chucks in your bag.

If you have a really big handbag, and for those boys who aren’t averse to a good man bag, consider packing a fresh pair of undies and a toothbrush as well. It sounds presumptuous, I know, but they can be handy for lots of different reasons. Think of it the way you do condoms—you probably won’t end up using them, but you don’t want to be caught out without.

Make sure you have money for the bus before you go out on a Saturday night. That walk of shame will be a whole lot longer if you don’t.
Be safe kids, and look out for your friends!

*Look, I’m not encouraging it, okay? I’m just acknowledging this cultural quirk of ours. Hopefully you all love and know yourself enough to know that you don’t need to sleep with inappropriate people to be of value. You are a wonderful person who does not need sex with strangers to be validated—say that in the mirror three times before tottling off to El Horno, kay?


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