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October 10, 2011 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Ask Constance

Dear esteemed fuckers, this is my last column for the year. It has been a pleasure writing, and I have been gobsmacked and honoured by the amount of people who have trusted me with their stories and fears. I hope that my advice has been at least a little useful in helping y’all to have great sex and love yourselves a bit more. I’m not sure if I’ll be back next year, but isn’t going anywhere, so hit me up there if you have any burning questions on your hopefully debauched summer breaks. Take good care of yourselves, use condoms, practice giving and receiving lots of head, and remember that it’s meant to be fun and you deserve nothing less.

Dear Constance, I’ve always found it difficult to orgasm. A few years ago, I discovered the power (literally!) of vibrators. I’ve depended on them ever since, and I’ve numbed myself so much that it’s impossible for me to come manually. I’m single so it’s not a huge deal right now, but when I think about it I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. I’ve ruined myself. Whenever I sleep with someone they always want me to come, and I can’t. Is there a way to fix me? Sadly yours, Buzzy Bee

You haven’t ruined yourself at all honeybee. A few months without the vibe and your funparts should adjust to gentler stimulation. That said, if it works for you it works for you. If your sexual partners are disappointed they can’t make you come, then consider involving your battery-operated friend. And go easy on yourself—if you like more intense stimulation, roll with it. You have nothing to be ashamed of: many other people rely on their vibes to get them off.

Yo, Ms. Cravings. I have a problem. Every time I have sex, I feel really gross and guilty afterwards, as if I’ve let my girlfriend down, myself down and my life is going nowhere. I’m definitely not asexual or even confused—I definitely like girls and I’m definitely attracted to my girlfriend. I usually figure sex will be a cool thing to do, but once it’s over I consistently feel depressed. Help plox—Peter Parker

Catholic guilt? No, sorry, I shouldn’t joke. We get pretty negative messages about sex and sexuality throughout our lives, and fucking is labelled (by terrifying idiots) as ‘dirty’ and ‘wrong’. This could be lingering somewhere in your brain and making you feel ashamed and unworthy. You could also be experiencing a comedown of all of the hormones that get released when you have sex, which creates a big downer that you interpret as guilt. Either way, if it is upsetting you, then you should do some soul-searching about your feelings on sex; if you have absorbed some puritanical attitudes, think about ways to shake them off. There is no harm in sharing that journey with a counsellor or close friend so that you can work on giving yourself permission to have a fucking good time.

As a 21-year-old male virgin, do you think I should wait for the right girl to come along or just get it out of the way and lose it?

I think that there’s no such thing as ‘the right girl’, but I do think that you should wait until you feel a connection with someone. Whether the connection is ‘I really want to start something important with this girl’ or ‘this girl is heaps of fun, and I like and trust her so let’s explore’, it’s up to you. You’ll know what feels right to you at the time. Don’t do it with someone you don’t really like, because who you had sex with for the first time should be something you’re proud to answer in drunken party truth-or-dare games for the rest of your life.

Do you think size matters? I mean penises and breasts.
No. You could have the world’s biggest cock and not know what to do with it. Or you could have the world’s tiniest cock and have learned interesting angles and pressure points (and to be really adept with your mouth). Likewise, breasts of all shapes and sizes are sexy and fun. Funbits are, on the whole, fun.


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