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October 10, 2011 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

I am Offended Because – Changing The World, One Malai Kofta At A Time

I once read an article about how to test whether someone has a narcissistic personality. You just ask them whether they could do a better job ruling the world than those currently in power. It’s a tough question.

Could you do a better job than the Baracks and the Johns and the Julias? The Davids and the Manmohans and the Gurbangulys? When I first heard the question I thought: of course. Of course I could do better than that lot! Then I thought about it a little bit more and I realised that ruling the world would be miserable. You’d have to think about all kinds of depressing things all of the time like rubbish dumps and poverty and the army. Being the leader of the free world would be really fucking hard. Every world leader looks so exhausted all the time. Even John is looking a bit grey from the stress. So no thank you, I won’t be taking you up on your offer of world leadership anytime soon. Does turning the offer down due to hair-vanity make me more or less narcissistic?

I may have internalised this cougar-obsessed, youth-centric beauty culture that we live in but vanity doesn’t mean that a girl can’t dream. If I ruled New Zealand I would do heaps of good stuff . In my ideal scenario I wouldn’t be the Prime Minister and I wouldn’t have to deal with Parliament or legislation or any of that bollocks about fair and equal representation. I would be a benevolent dictator, improving things this way and that way and then paying somebody else to take care of the sewerage. I’d approve gay marriage, I’d encourage gay adoption and I’d take abortion out of the Crimes Act. I’d tax the rich and I’d lower the price of vegetables and I’d make counselling sessions free. Ally Garrett’s New Zealand would be like the Scandinavia of the South. I’d nanny the shit out of that state.

If I was your ruler, there’s something else that would be first on the agenda. Something that I would do to make our world a better place: I’d regulate curry spices. I would set up a Ministry of Curry that would regulate the difference between mild, medium and hot. I’d add in a couple of extra gradients as well, including a ‘not spicy at all’ and a ‘so spicy your tongue might fall out’. New Zealanders everywhere would thank me for a little bit more certainty in their daily lives. Ordering a ‘medium’ curry would no longer be the Russian Roulette of the food world—you don’t know whether you’re going to have a perfectly pleasant time or if it’s going to blow your head off.

Hang on, is it too late to enrol as a Prime Ministerial candidate? I’m sure that after reading this you’ll be voting for me raita away. I could just bhaji on in there and win the whole thing. Hey, Mr Key! Move over dhal-ing!

If you have enjoyed/enjoyed hating Ally’s writing this year you can read more of her work at She is trying to brainstorm more curry puns to use on her blog but she’s coming up with naan.


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  1. Tess says:

    Just so you know, “Ally Garrett’s New Zealand would be like the Scandinavia of the South. I’d nanny the shit out of that state.” made me lololol

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