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March 12, 2012 | by  | in News | [ssba]

LOL News

Penguin Peril Pleases Press

In a case which has entralled flightless birds everywhere, a 1 year old Humboldt penguin has managed to escape the Tokyo Sea Life Park, clambering over a rock wall twice his size. According to park representative Takashi Sugino they only realised the penguin had escaped when “the director of a neighbouring zoo emailed us with a photo.” Since his escape the unnamed penguin has been seen swimming in a local river. Penguin high jinks has been on the rise in recent years with New Zealand media darling Happy Feet being the closest to home.

Australian Bank Fails to Understand Wellington Hipsters

Victoria students have been subjected to yet another year of Westpac banks “Westie-pak” campaign. Despite it being about the fourth year they have run this campaign and it being about five years past its point of cultural relevance even then, Westpac have decided that its all they have to get the kids into banking. Salient understands that Westpac internally refers to Wellington as ‘Wellywood.’

Big Pharma Destroys Racism

A new drug designed to lower heart rates and treat chest pains has been discovered to also decrease racist attitudes in those who take it. Scientists put this down to the fact that racism is largely based on fear and as a relaxant the drug lessens these impulses. The test group was small and the scientists are interested in expanding the group to see if these effects continue. From this writers experience growing up, the Canterbury region could use some heavy doses.

Hulk’s Hulk

Dancer Hulk Hogan has had the intense privacy bubble he keeps around him burst with rumours surfacing of a five year old sex tape. The modest star of ‘Hogan knows best’ sent a typically demure response to TMZ saying that he wasn’t sure who his female co-star was: ‘It wasn’t just one brunette I was running wild for a few months… I don’t even remember people’s names, much less girls.” Hogan’s lawyer claims legal action will be brought if any person or girl attempts to release the tape.

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