Hi Dear Roxy & Prudence, I’ve been with my boyfriend for going on 3 years now. We have incredible sex all the time. I’m a big fan of anal, but he refuses saying “you have a perfectly good vagina”. As far as he’s told me, he’s never had anal before, but it makes me feel incredibly hot and I miss having it. I understand he’s scared (as I was my first time), but how can I bring him round?! Help me! Looking for love in all the wrong places.

Hi Dear Roxy & Prudence, I’ve been with my boyfriend for going on 3 years now. We have incredible sex all the time. I’m a big fan of anal, but he refuses saying “you have a perfectly good vagina”. As far as he’s told me, he’s never had anal before, but it makes me feel incredibly hot and I miss having it. I understand he’s scared (as I was my first time), but how can I bring him round?! Help me! Looking for love in all the wrong places.

ROXY 

Oh, you poor thing. If you’ve had no luck with the usual reasons why he should do it (it feels great, you enjoy it) I think there are two reasons he might still be reluctant: fear of hurting you and the risk of the dreaded poop-dick.

The key to both of these problems is doing anal sex right, so here’s Roxy’s patented Up the Pooper 101. You say you’ve done it before, so I assume you know this shit, but now you can rely on the authority vested in Salient.

First, barring a few exceptions (which you’re clearly not) anal only hurts if you’re doing it wrong. To do it right, use lots of lube and start slowly. He should use a well lubed finger to gently penetrate you, working it slowly and carefully to loosen you up while you try to relax. From there he should start working additional fingers (or slender toys) until he can get at least three fingers inside you. Once you’re nice and relaxed, only then should he start slowly inserting his well lubed member. Remember, slow and steady will win the race, and once you’re comfortable he can then start buggering you with loose abandon.

Regarding poop-dick, remind him that sex is always going to be messy, and that poop is not some sort of all-destroying substance that will melt it right off. Second, you can take proactive measures to ensure his dick remains poop-free. If you have a good, high fibre diet, going to the bathroom before sex will clean you out nicely. If you’re still worried, sexgear.co.nz sells a perfectly good douche for a mere 50 bucks, although its High School chemistry lab chic means it is best kept out of the bedroom. Oh, and remember to wait a few hours after douching before having sex.

If after all this he still won’t do it, I think you should seriously consider what his refusal to do something that you enjoy, and carries no real cost to him, means for your relationship.

Roxy <3

PRUDENCE 

Don’t listen to Roxy. Poop-dick is a real thing, and it is fatal.

Now, as we all know, disease is caused by an imbalance of the four humours: black bile (melan chole, an abundance of which is responsible for the “emo” subculture), yellow bile (chole, the overabundance of which causes support of the Crafar farm sales), phlegm (phlegma, responsible for the sudden abundance of Green voters) and blood (sanguis, the overabundance of which is associated with communistic tendencies).

All four of the humours are present in human faeces and are rapidly absorbed by the male member, even through a condom (remember, your penis even absorbs the latex in the condom, and makes you infertile: no wonder God hates birth control!). The effects of this can be devastating, as seen in South America. In case you weren’t aware, South American papists are notorious for defiling themselves in this way as a method to subvert God’s will that women be pregnant constantly until they die. The absorption of humours this practice creates then leads to all the sinning you see in these countries: dance, colourful costumes and women wearing anything less than the ordained five layers of petticoats over the top of a cast-iron bustier.

In short, your boyfriend is just trying to save his soul from the fiery maw of papist “Carni-hell”!

xoxo Prudence.

If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately and confidentially with a professional, rather than a magazine columnist, Student Counselling Service can provide a safe place to explore such aspects of your life. The service is free and confidential. Phone 04 463 5310. Email counselling-service@vuw.ac.nz. Visit Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building.