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March 4, 2012 | by  | in News | [ssba]

The Week That Wasn’t: Bing Night at Te Puni – Mature Student Teaches Meddling Kids How to Party

Those who live fast don’t necessarily die young, the mature student at the centre of a damning Te Puni administrative gaffe told Salient this week.

Bachelor of Arts student Rosemary Stratford (82 yrs) was admitted to the exclusively first year hall of residence, Te Puni Village, rather than the University housing she had applied for at the start of last week.

Student Housing Services have claimed the admission was due to a Te Puni administrative error, but Head of House Peter Tuiasu has denied the accusations. He claims that Mrs Stratford wandered in alone on the first day of Orientation.

“She just turned up on our doorstep cradling three cats claiming she lived here,” Tuiasa said.

“We tried to turn her away, but she was so darn motherly that I felt bloody ashamed to refuse her.”

Mrs Stratford was later found in a double room, having covered the wall in garish tapestries of cats that have been described by one resident as “some freaky-ass shit”.

She was unable to shed much light on the situation.

“I do remember somebody bringing me here,” she said, “but then everything before last week is a little hazy.”

Though Mrs Stratford has not let the mix-up disrupt her enjoyment of her first week back at university since 1950.

She says she’s been “getting right in there” and has been “teaching the kids the odd trick or two”.

Her hall neighbour, Henry Scott, explained that Mrs. Stratford had attended every orientation event religiously, describing her as a “total good bitch”.

“The first night we had a little bit of a party on our floor and she was like fucking off the chain!” Scott said.

“She just sat in the hall sipping on a fucking shandy ‘til everyone else was fucking wasted as fuck. I was so fucked that I forgot all about it ‘til I saw all the fucking self-takes she took.”

Mrs. Stratford remembered the night a little more vividly.

“Oh, yes, that was delightful,” she chuckled, “things did take a turn for the worse when we went to that kumara bar though. I was having a jig on the table and then, smash bang, there goes my hip!”

“The Roman dress up night was a gay affair,” Mrs. Stratford said, describing the Neon Toga Party. “The Dionysus worship was very convincing if not historically accurate.”

“I did find the Mountain Eden event quite distressing. The flashing lights didn’t go down too well with my medication. A lovely young man gave me a curious little pill, but I think he must have gave me the wrong one because it did make me feel awful funny.”

“I went to the floral arrangement workshop–the root manoeuvring one–and was a little disappointed to find a bunch of kids doing their hip-hop songs. But the man on the stage doing the chanting was very nice. He invited me behind the stage for drinkies.”

In response to questioning from Salient, Roots Manuva confirmed Mrs. Stratford’s claims.

She was a lovely lady, right. A real cougar. But I’m not saying more than that.”

Both Mr. Manuva and Mrs. Stratford have refused to offer comment as to how events developed later that evening. Salient is investigating. 


About the Author ()

Ollie served dutifully alongside Asher Emanuel as Co-editor of Salient throughout the tumult of 2012. He has contributed to Salient since 2011 and intends to do so for the rest of his waking life.

Comments (3)

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  1. Oh dear says:

    No, seriously, bring Molly back. She was hilarious. This is pure-strain garbage.

  2. Molly says:

    Let’s bang?

  3. Hayley says:

    I totally agree, Bring back Molly!

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