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May 3, 2012 | by  | in Features | [ssba]


Over the past few years I have come to accept that I am a serial killer in waiting. I feel that this has been quietly accepted among my (few) friends for as long as I can remember. I don’t particularly like people, and reciprocally, people tend to not like me very much. I live out my everyday life by employing a method of mentally zoning out when interacting with most people, tantamount to ‘playing dead’ in conversations. This enables me to put up with levels of douchebaggery most people would find plain repugnant. I’ve found I tend to bring out this trait in people. I like that. One day though, this method will fail me. I’ll snap. This is inevitable, probably due to my being a woman and unable to control my emotions. On this day I will need a lawyer.

First off, I should start with some kind of disclaimer that, any of which I say here does not, by any means, apply to all law students. There are probably some out there that truly believe their study and subsequent practice to be entirely altruistic. I’m a cynic, I’ll freely admit to this so, with that said, I sincerely doubt these people exist. If they do, I am not interested in them.

The type in which I am interested, Urban Dictionary has conveniently defined as ‘Lawbags’; “All Lawbags are law students, but not all law students are Lawbags. But most of them are. Lawbags outrank douchebags in douchebaggery.” I spoke to a few of these Lawbags for the purpose of this article; here are some interactions that exemplify the docrine of Lawbaggery:

According to Lawbag #1 “Everyone is an asshole, that is why I like to get in first”. I liked that. Lawbag #2 recalls putting up his hand in his first law lecture and announcing ‘money’ as his main motivation for taking the course. “I am fully above the law as I can obviously comprehend it better than others, so shit doesn’t apply to me.” He said. “As a qualified lawyer I expect to be treated as royalty by my peers- they are lesser human beings”. Most people find this egoistic brand of verbal ejaculation intolerable, to me though, it comes in at a close second to the real thing in regard to satisfaction.

While Its been said that law school and legal practice essentially exorcise emotion from ones character, it is my personal belief that its almost a prerequisite as opposed to a product of the system- I think that the promise of fortune, being entrusted with people’s darkest secrets, and essentially getting away with being a total asshole is attractive to those of already decidedly corrupt personality types. I’m also of the opinion that this is a good thing, a necessary thing; when I’m explaining to my lawyer how I channeled Carl Stargher, I’ll want them to mirror my apathy and indifference, to comprehend my depravity- otherwise, how will they be objective?

“First thing we do, we kill all the lawyers” wrote Shakespeare. It was someone decidedly less literary that said, “Shit floats to the top”- though I feel this expression better sums up what I’m trying to get at. So, while you probably won’t love your Lawbag, this is fine, most of them have a pragmatic system of compensation going on- they love themself double- appreciate them though; one day though, you too might need them to get you off.




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