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July 23, 2012 | by  | in News | [ssba]

Condom-gate

Clumsiness of exec causes sexual frenzy

Chaos broke out last Tuesday as VUWSA Environment Officer Sophie Turner and Clubs Officer Reed Fleming dropped and smashed a glass bowl containing hundreds of condoms outside Kirk 303.

The Durex-branded frangers were scattered amongst sharp and potentially lethal fragments of glass across the Kirk building carpet, the cleanliness of which has been described by observers as “questionable”.

Salient’s experts suggest that the glass will have pierced the plastic wrappers and likely penetrated the latex of many of the contraceptives, thereby rendering them impotent.

Cracks were revealed not only in the bowl, but more importantly in the competence in our very own students’ association.

Turner and Fleming quickly pulled out from Kirk as quickly as they could, gathering as many of the punctured prophylactics as they could manage.

The twosome then debated whether or not they should throw them out, with Turner reportedly struggling with the necessary environmental compromise this entailed. Reports suggest she chose side humanity.

President Bridie Hood was completely ribbed when she heard about the situation, but urged Salient to cover the story, generating speculation that she is trying to distract Salient from the much anticipated upcoming governance review.

It is unknown whether any students picked up and used the compromised condoms, and therefore whether VUWSA will be directly responsible for the projected rise in unwanted pregnancy, STI transmission and the associated socio-economic hardship, amongst those who frequently attend lectures in the Kirk area.

VUWSA Vice-President (Academic) Josh Wright said he does “not at all, under any circumstances, recommend picking condoms up off the floors in Kirk.”

Fleming characteristically abstained from commenting. It’s rumoured that such an embarrassing event has never happened to him before and that it only happened because he was tired.

When Salient pressed further, Fleming said only “no cumment.”

The morning after, VUWSA was still embarrassed by the situation, and 72 hours later the situation was deemed “unsalvageable.”

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