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October 15, 2012 | by  | in Features | [ssba]

All My Boyfriends Are Gay

Congratulations! You get an insight into to my failings with men.
Before I share my tales, I want to inform you that throughout high school I was liked by many dudes. Most of my friends have been guys: nerdy, sensitive, funny and awkward guys (they are my jam). So statistically, it is not that odd for a number of these ‘dudes’ who like me to turn out to be gay later. Now I hear you say, УISABELLA TURNS GUYS GAYФ. Well, as in most other instances, science has my back. You can’t turn people gay. Lady Gaga and every other intelligent soul knows that they are born that way. That’s science, bitches.
Now let us take a trip (AND FALL) down memory lane.
Michael, tall, good-looking, 11 years old:
We were so close. We spent every Friday night on the phone with each other for hours, just watching shows together. In year eight, there was an end of year dance which we went to together. I wore a pink frilly dress with white heeled sandals and my hair done up in a bun with curly strands coming down. We obviously ‘liked’ each other, in a shy way. But alas my mother decided to move us away shortly after the dance. We stopped talking as much.
A few months after the move, I was messaging him on MSN and he told me he had a girlfriend. I was hurt. Why had he never asked me to be his girlfriend? Why did this other girl get to be his girlfriend? Imagine me as a thirteen year old looking out the window into the harbour with Simple Plan playing in the background.
He called me one day and asked if I knew the TV show ‘Kiwifruit’ (which is about the gay community in NZ). He mumbled that he was like that show and hung up. I called him back a few times until he sheepishly answered, I asked if he was gay. He said yes and I laughed at him for being so scared to tell me. I was the first person he told.
My run-in with gay guys in denial became a regular occurrence.
Here are some other less sweet stories from my teen years:
Robert, short, needy, trouble, 18 years old:
He was my on/off boyfriend who cheated on me a lot (once with a lesbian, props to him I guess), once with a dude friend who I had been making out with (I was fifteen, okay, I’m just so complicated).
Robert denied such festivities. His other hobbies included getting girls pregnant, stealing cars and committing cheque fraud. He was a keeper.
Declan, awkward, cringe inducing, 17 years old:
He liked me and ‘everyone’ told me to go out with him. I wasn’t ‘keen’. A few uncomfortable weeks of pursuing me later—which included him inviting me and a few mutual friends over where he repeatedly suggested we play strip poker (then he started playing by himself and we all left)—he came out as gay. I then had to deal with people at my school claiming that УISABELLA TURNS GUYS GAYФ.
People’s journey to self-discovery can be both a beautiful and horrific thing to be involved in. Some people are incredibly messed up, others just need some support. These occurrences were in my past and now I look back on them with a lukewarm fondness.
My life in the present is so great. I just met a new guy and it is going really well, tonight we are going to S & M’s to drink cosmos with some of his male friends. Fingers crossed!


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