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October 8, 2012 | by  | in Features | [ssba]

I Need To Pee

And other stray thoughts

Having an opinion should be easy: all it requires of you is to demarcate an idea and pick a side. Vigorous discourse might follow, and both yourself and all involved will probably be better off for it. The side you chose initially might have changed.

Right now, though, I’m finding it pretty hard. It’s an opinion issue, so we’re probably supposed to write about how socially crippling modern constructs of gender are or the modern implications of the Indian caste system but honestly my stomach hurts a little bit and I need to have a wee really badly but I’m too lazy to get up. So, rather than try to pull apart an issue for you not to read, and because I can’t concentrate on anything at the moment for longer than a second due to my nuclear bladder I will share with you my less gentrified opinions as they come to me.

Here are some of them:We should all be nicer to each other.We should all stop being so nice to each other. John Key’s smile looks like someone has arranged it on his face with a scalpel. John Key looks like a rat. I don’t know what David Shearer looks like. Does David Shearer even have a face? Is he a real person? Is the leader of the Labour party a robot?

Forks are small tridents and sometimes when I’m eating I pretend I’m Poseidon. It is very sad that I am not Beyoncé. It is very sad that I am not Patsy Stone. It is very sad that I am not PJ Harvey. It is very sad that most people don’t seem to know that Liberia is a country. It is very sad that when I saw Suriname on a map for the first time I thought it was a mistake.

I saw White Chicks for the first time last night and I really enjoyed it and I don’t know if that is allowed.This morning I called my friend a beautiful chocolate man and she didn’t get the reference and I felt really bad. Black don’t crack.White people look so tragic when they’re old.White people with dreadlocks are so visually confusing.

There’s someone sitting next to me and they said to their companion that Bangkok was the capital of Burma and I hate them although I probably shouldn’t.The capital of Burma is Naypyidaw and I have no idea how to pronounce it but I saw it like I do.

Smoking is a disgusting habit. I am a smoker and I am disgusting. People who don’t smoke who tell you that your habit is disgusting are disgusting and make me smoke more. If smoking harms my unborn child then my unborn child should stop smoking. Plain- packaging on cigarettes will just make me feel like I’m in the army.

I buy $9.99 wine because honestly I can’t tell the difference. Regina George is an evil dictator. How do you overthrow a dictator? You cut off her resources. Lindsay Lohan is an opinion that I have. Pop culture references are reductive.

Religion is annoying and that is a feeling I have because regardless of how many well spoken religious people I have interesting discussions with it doesn’t make sense to me and it never will so leave me alone. I need to pee.

I think I might have wet myself. ▲


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  1. Mum says:

    Hi Spud, great article! You left your phone behind

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