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March 11, 2013 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Secret Diary of John Key

Steven phoned. He said the teachers are complaining about not being paid. I told him that to the best of my recollection, I donate all my earnings as Prime Minister to charity. He said that was nice, but not strictly relevant. I worried that I was losing him so I reeled him back in with my classic gag – “don’t they get it? Novopay! No pay? Get it, Steve? Ahaha… ahaha ..ahhh.” He mumbled something about steering the ship himself. I didn’t know we were going on a cruise. Yelled out to Bronagh to get some of those snacks that say ‘powerful and in-control white male’, because I don’t know how to say it myself, she’s ringing Pizza Hut now.

I don’t know what the big hoo-ha is about us selling assets. As I say to my dear Bronagh, ‘if you want something, buy it yourself !’ If you already own it, buy it again! Twice the fun. I love money. As I’ve said before, I want New Zilders to be first in the queue to buy shares in Mighty River Power. That’s why they  should register online on the website that often doesn’t work. We’ll sell everything to Australia while Bill’s getting that fixed. Remember that time all those children camped overnight for concert tickets, only for them to sell out online first? Oh well. At least we’ll have a nice list of who can afford to pay more tax! Maybe Trevor will buy some shares and then sell them on Trade Me.

I’ve asked Bronagh to try to be more like Michelle Obama. I think New Zilders would really like that. I’m very in touch with what mums and dads want. She said maybe I could be more like Barack. Yes, maybe I could.

I thought there was a chance I could have looked like a bit of a wally on the news, so I had another meet-and-greet with some cute Caucasian babies. My pals at TVNZ are good like that. Bronagh said that if things go really pear-shaped, we could walk around Newmarket with Labradors again! Maybe we could do the Harlem Shake in Cabinet. We can say it was Max’s idea.



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