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May 13, 2013 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Secret Diary of @amandabynes

Peek-a-boo! I’m about to put on my make-up, but just thought I’d tweet a picture of myself in nothing but my bra and tights. Hellooo boobs! Rawr! Oh okay, look, just ONE more photo then. I mean, I had this like, webbing of the skin between my eyes?! Ew. My face was so 2009. So I had a nose job. I wasn’t going to tell anyone. But like, I look so much prettier now. Especially in all these selfies. Oh okay one more. Wink! Just like Sailor Moon! Now I have a hoodie on. Oh hold up, better tweet a pic!

Having surgery was the most amazing thing for my confidence. Obviously I was really shy before, being a big-time actress and all. Dan Schneider tried to cancel The Amanda Show. But you can’t just cancel Amanda; She’s the Man! I got these boobs just in case anyone was confused about my gender. Plastic surgery is amazing. At least I know I’ll never look like I’m 80 when I’m like, 50, like Jenny McCarthy. I’m lying. She’s beautiful! I’m so close to looking just like Blac Chyna. I wonder how much it will cost to make me black? Is there surgery for that? Maybe then Drake will murder my vagina? I bet he knows What a Girl Wants.

I’m not ready for guardianship just yet. I waited while LiLo took the stage, but she never really committed to the full BritBrit 2.0. I’ve shaved half my head in anticipation of this prestigious role. Britney, you weren’t afraid of what people thought, and that’s What I Like About You! For now though, I’m having way too much fun gallivanting and spending the millions that I recently gained access to. Skipped some court hearings for my hit-and-run convictions. Long hair, don’t care!

Look at all of these photos of me looking so pretty! Here I am at the gym winking at you! Look at me! These selfies are for you. If you want to use any of my pictures in your articles, feel free. Like this one of me being Nicki Minaj! In Touch magazine published a photo of me from years ago and I hate it. I don’t look like that anymore, and I never will. Here is a pap shot of me walking down the street. You can use this, too! I don’t look fat in this one. No, seriously. Please use these pictures I’m tweeting if you’re going to write an article about me.

Oooh, nice bathroom mirror! Selfieeeee!

Amanda. Rawr!


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