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August 12, 2013 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Things That Go Bump in the Night

Balls – What do you even do with them?


This is a bit of a tough one to answer. I’m not entirely sure what angle this question is being asked from, so let’s cover as much as we can. If it wasn’t for balls, none of us would be here. At the most basic level, testicles are the two oval organs packaged up in a man’s scrotum, which hangs behind the penis. Personally, I think we could say that a man’s balls are the unsung hero of the male anatomy. Whether you have your very own set of testicles to play with, or are lucky enough to be playing with a friend’s, I have four magic words for you: DON’T FORGET THE BALLS.

It’s true that most of the time, men are very protective of their family jewels, and it’s commonly understood we must treat them much like baby animals—no quick movements, don’t squeeze them too hard or they will get frightened… But when a man is sexually aroused, his balls can withstand a bit more force, and it is most likely he will appreciate you giving them a bit of attention. Firstly, do what you are comfortable with; maybe this means just holding them firmly in your hand—but there are plenty of other options if you are open to them! It is easiest and most effective to incorporate the balls while giving oral sex because they’re right there in front of your face and you have your hands free for the most part. Start with holding them in your hand, massaging them and tugging on them a bit. It’s a great idea to get them wet, spit on them or take them in your mouth for the best response. By all means, if your arms are long enough, or the position you are in permits, give his balls a little attention while engaging in penetrative sex as well, if you feel so inclined.

There are also plenty of sex toys on the market specifically for a man’s junk. Cockrings sit snug around his balls to help maintain a firm erection, and many come with additional bells and whistles to help increase a partner’s pleasure at the same time. This may be a fun way to experiment with something new, exciting and a little ballsy in the bedroom.

Lux you long time,



Can you tell me about anal douching? How to douche, how not to douche, or whether to even douche at all? Warm regards, Empty Douchebag.

Dear Empty Douchebag,

Anal douching is one of those things that mostly comes down to personal preference. For most butt-related sexual activities, it’s not a necessity—if you make sure you’ve gone to the toilet in the few hours before doing it in the butt then you shouldn’t have a problem. Butt stuff will sometimes involve some small quantity of crap, like a little under your fingernail, or around a ridge on a toy. Most people just accept this as part of the deal, as for them douching isn’t worth the inconvenience, but if you’re anal about cleanliness, then maybe douching is for you!

How to Douche: The No-Shit Guide

Use lukewarm water—there are few temperature or pain sensors in your butt, and it won’t always be immediately obvious to you if you’re using water that’s too hot and is damaging you. Cold water will be uncomfortable. Don’t use soap! It will irritate your rectal and colonic lining, making it more susceptible to tearing and infection. Excessive douching can cause irritation by stripping the lining, so don’t go overboard.

There are two devices you can use—a bulb douche or shower douche. There are also two levels of thoroughness—you can clean out just your rectum, which will be enough for taking a regular-to-large dick, or cleaning out your colon (similar to an enema) for a really big dick, or other similarly deep probing activity. For either of these, it’ll be more comfortable to use water-based lube on the insertable part of your douching apparatus.

If you’re just douching your rectum (the less invasive method) then you don’t want to overfill it, so keep the water pressure low if you’ve got a shower-hose attachment! Hold the water inside you for 15-20 seconds before evacuating into a toilet—you’re not trying to strip away everything, just remove any small debris clinging to the rectal wall. Repeat until the water coming out is clear.

If you’re cleaning your colon too, use a few bulbs worth of water, or hold the nozzle in for longer (if you’re using a shower douche). Hold the water inside for 15-20 seconds again, and massage your stomach to loosen clumps stuck to your intestine walls. Evacuate, and repeat, as above. With this method, go slow, and make sure you’ve got all the water out! There are kinks in the large intestine, and water can stick around to come out later. This is not a process to be rushed.

Warm regards,

Seymour Butts



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